TAKING YOUR STABLE MOOD CONFIDENCE DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

I find that I am a confident person naturally as part of a stable mood. Notice I said, 'a confident person' instead of 'a more confident person'. I won't lie. I am anything but confident in the midst of a depressive episode. I admire anyone that is to any degree. What I mistake for confidence usually turns out to be rage induced aggression when I feel threatened, which is often. I, of course, dont recognize this until after the fact. It isn't pretty.,

Additionally, I have determined that the first sign for me, of a downward spiral, is when I begin to have prolonged periods of self doubt. Self doubt is an insidious demon. It starts with one of two simple questions to myself. "Sould I have done that?" or maybe even "Should I have said that?" And then, for me, *SNAP*, it soon moves to, "Should I have thought that? Should I even be feeling these feelings? What do I think I am doing? How bad did I just humiliate myself again because it seems like I did a pretty awesome job just then? Did I though?????? How do I know? Should I say something? Maybe I should apologize? What if I made them mad?" And it worsens from there. This happens over and over until I finally find myself so engrossed in a soupy variety of self-doubt questions, I don't realize I've already started a downward spiral. Right down the rabbit hole of a depressive episode.

So, how can we remain confident when we are in a depressive episode? Short answer, unfortunately, is that we can't take all of the confidence with us when we fall. Let me rephrase that. I don't think I am capable of taking all of my confidence down the rabbit hole with me. However, I'm willing to give it the good old college try and hopefully find something to help. I have two extremes. Normal self doubt is the first. The other extreme is me sitting in front of the therapist or pysch barely able to sob out how serious of trouble I am in mental health wise. My thought process with trying is that the sooner I catch the beginning of the downward spiral, the better chances I have of actually being proactive in returning to a stable mood.

I am a writer. I see in words and think in stories constantly. I have to get up in the middle of the night, like right now, to write blogs I have ideas for, or to journal sometimes. So, the first thing I'm going to try to do later is to write things down about myself as a confident person that I want to try and remember for when I am deep in my 'anything but confident' feels.

It is a version of something my bestie and I talked about as she played genius editor on my first draft. She refused a biline but i think her imput ties this entire blog together. It is called Thoughts, Feelings, Actions. TAFs. YOU and only YOU are responsible for YOUR TAFs. Your Thoughts become your Actions, resulting in a Feeling (and NOONE else's). A perfect example: when I am stable I feel better about myself, so I take action by taking better care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. This results in me feeling confident. I am only responsible for my own TAFs. I am setting a self standard and meeting or exceeding that standard through them.

Since I journal every day, I will style it like positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are statements that generally begin with "I am..." and help improve self worth. However,  I will write a statement the describes my Thoughts, the positive Actions it causes me to take, and end the statement with, "...and this makes me Feel confident." And, like positive affirmations, I will write them out each day. Thinking of them takes the longest, and they get memorized pretty quickly. Repetition and positive reinforecement is everything to me.

Another idea is for those who do not journal. Use sticky notes. The notes could go on a mirror, or they could go across a daily planner. Sticky notes can go on a desk or inside a desk drawer. And they are fast and easy. You can add new ones as needed or you can rewrite them to change them slightly. You can even create a jar of sticky notes so you can pull one a day, or as many as needed during the day, to remind yourself of the person you know you can be. The jar can be used to concentrate on a goal for the day. Just make sure to keep the note simple. Stating you will have a goal to treat yourself better physically, mentally, and emotionally for a day is unrealistic when in a depressive episode. Shoot for a shower, dressing or makeup instead. I am definitely trying a jar for daily goals, too.

Too balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

How Quickly Stability Can Change With Medication

FRIDAY, A COUPLE WEEKS AGO
I woke up to another day where I open my eyes, catch my thoughts, and then start bawling. Here I am, another day of nothing. Why? What cosmic source did I offend? To what purpose?

I am angry at myself. I never asked for this. I wonder...was there ever a time with no struggle? Was I ever hopeful and full of dreams as a child? Have I ever had just one good day?

Logically, my brain knows the truth. I was relatively stable for the longest period of my life just recently. June 2015 to last September. Stability from another inpatient stay. So, I ask myself, "What did stability feel like? I need that." I can't remember a single thing right now from when I didn't dread another day of wash, rinse, and repeat this hopelessness. The feeling of dread that today I must work, interact, make decisions, be there for others that depend on me. Another day of being forced to give when I am oh so empty and tired of my life. My existence. Another day of forced smiles and laughter and jokes to try and appear that I have it together enough to not freak people out. Another day of doing what I can to appear normal. Truly, I wonder how much longer am I supposed to try and be this diseased person? I have nothing left to give.

So I hide. I wish for death. Peace. It is a longing. How much longer til I give? I think I am immune to my med set. I am sitting waiting to see my pysch. It is just futile. So. Very. Futile. I can be stable again, but I will be awake each day vigilant for the next mood swing. One wrong word from someone and I fear the worst. One elated thought and I cringe. There is no real peace in stability. There is only dread. Dread of the humility of who I didn't ask to be. Despair that I will draw every breath and struggle to function at the basest of levels at some point again. And again. And again. 

I get angry. People expect me to want to breathe. When stable, they expect me to somehow make it last forever. They think bipolar is due to something I don't do right. Time and time again I disappoint them. And yet, they still think I should stay alive. They think I am selfish. They think I am dramatic. They think I just need to pray. Or suck it up. Not let it get to me. Do they really think that little of me? I can come to no other conclusion. Just look into my eyes. See the pain. See me broken. Drowning. See me trying all I can to be acceptable but failing. See that I do not want this. Give me peace.

TODAY
I moved off of Latuda and on to Vraylar. I am also weaning off Lamictal. Vraylar is the new med of choice and it pulled me right up by the medicinal bootstraps to stabilize me about three weeks ago. The thoughts above? They seem foreign. If they seem foreign to me now, I understand how they seem to a person without mental illness. They will seem completely absurd. But today I can tell you that isn't my problem. It is society's problem and I am here to try and kick it in the teeth. A good relationship with my pysch is imperative in my life. Journaling is important. Meds. Therapy. Sleep. Social outings. My children. My friends and family. They do the best they can to support me and I am grateful. I am grateful I can work. Busy is good for me. It keeps me out of my head. So, I have my guns ready. I am determined to hang on while I can and fight. Fight to better my life and have stability for even longer this time. I hope you do the same.

To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura