Grieving Over Your Bipolar Diagnosis - Part One

When I type the word 'GRIEF', what loss do you think of that would cause you to grieve? Did you think it was the death of a loved one? Most people do. Today, we are going to discuss a different kind of loss that causes us to grieve. The loss of our mental health.

You are your own loved one. You were forced to confront a life you didn't ask for and give up the idea of what you thought life could be. It is the death of what could have been. That, my friends, is something to grieve over. This blog will be a two part series. We are going to first discuss the stages. Then, we will discuss ways to work through the stages in the next blog post.

AN OVERVIEW
There are 5 to 7 stages of grief. The most commonly accepted is by author, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, from her 1969 book, On Death And Dying. It is important to know a few facts about the stages of grief.

1. You may not experience each one, although studies show women normally experience all 5 to 7. 
2. They do not happen in any particular order. 
3. They can happen more than once. Just because you reach the final stage (acceptance) doesn't mean you won't revisit each again at different times in your life. Grieving over the loss of our mental health never goes away. We will be reminded of it, even while living in a relatively balanced state. 
4. Stages can happen simultaneously, and are sometimes closely related to each other, making you slip back and forth between them.

THE STAGES

• Denial - It didn't happen. This is not me. It's not possible. I am numb.
• Anger - Why has my higher power let this happen to me?
• Bargaining - If I do this or that, it will go away or be okay.
• Depression - I can't take it. What is the point? I am worthless.
• Acceptance - It's going to be okay. I can live with this, no matter what.

DENIAL
In 2007, my family doctor, who had been treating me for depression for years, asked me to see a psychiatrist. I am a little hazy on what happened. I just remember not being able to hear anything else once I heard the word bipolar, telling the psychiatrist he was full of it and walking out.

Denial is most commonly the first stage we hit, but it can hit at any time, especially during a manic/hypomanic episode. At diagnosis, we may be shocked and can't believe what we just heard. Impossible is our thought. Certainly, we can't be bipolar!!!

Denial manifests both physically and emotionally. Denial can cause us to bottle our emotions as we deny our diagnosis. Think of a high pressure water hose that has a weak spot (no, bipolar is not weak). Now think of stopping the flow of water and increasing the pressure. That is not healthy for the hose no matter which way you go about it. It can cause confusion, nausea, and physical bodily pain and illnezs. Denial can make treatment difficult. It can make us act out in ways that try to deny the disorder, one of them being anger, a very closely related stage. It can also cause depression, another stage. These all closely work with each other and feed off of each other.

ANGER
My first reaction, besides denial, was to get very angry. How dare he tell me I had bipolar disorder. The only thing I knew about it was a Lifetime movie I watched one time about a pregnant woman that went off of her meds to have a baby. It wasn't a very pretty movie. In my limited knowledge at the time regarding bipolar disorder, the psychiatrist was the one 'crazy'. It didn't last long, but I was really angry.

Fast forward to 2011 and my first time hospitalized. During outpatient group therapy one day, I got angry at the topic. I don't know what the topic was. I went home and suddenly found myself beating wooden cabinet doors over and over. I kept screaming as I beat the crap out those doors (they didn't suffer any consequences). I was suddenly so angry at every single thing that I had to live a life with bipolar. My higher power, my parents, my childhood, my kids, my cat. You name it, I was ANGRY. I beat so hard, that I bent bracelets. I had deep bruises on my wrists and palms for weeks that made it difficult for me to write. I even split a couple of knuckles. I faced the anger stage for years again after after accepting that I had been diagnosed. It lasted for a long time.

Anger works very closely with denial. You are going to get angry and blame everything. Your psychiatrist, your parents, anyone but you. Or maybe you will blame yourself. I have. It is infuriating that you have a disorder for the rest of your life without being given a choice in the matter.

BARGAINING
I find myself in this stage constantly. If I just take my medication, everything will be fine. Then I exacerbate it by refusing to change meds when they need a tweak. I think if I just hold on and try to 'get better' everything will return to 'normal'. I don't call my pyshciatrist until I have already sliiped into a depressive state. I bargain with my illness that if I am patient, everything will be fine.

The most common form of bargaining when grieving over the loss of your mental health will be feeling if you do one certain thing, everything will be okay. This can even be closely related to denial if you think you can control your life and bipolar disorder without any help. This certainly is not the case. Bipolar is a fluid illness. It can't be controlled. It can, however, be successfully managed.

Another form of bargaining will come if you think can self medicate with alcohol. Alcohol is a downer and drinking will negate the effects of your medications.

DEPRESSION
Are we talking depression or a depressive episode? We are discussing both, because depression, which is part of having bipolar, can lead to a depressive state. Part of the grieving process will be facing depression at times specifically about having bipolar. After the initial diagnosis, you may find you spend the most time in this stage. Depression can last any length of time. There are times when I am depressed for just a few hours. It is closely related to anger. Who wants to live with bipolar? I don't. So I get sad and sometimes angry. I feel like I will never have a life I can be satisfied with.

With depression you are going to be asking why you had to be burdened with such an illness. There will be tears. You will lose sleep or you will sleep all the time. Your energy will be low. You will either not eat or overeat. You may feel worthless or like living life with bipolar is too hard, or not worth it. You will experience the typical symptoms of depression, but it will be in relation to your diagnosis. You will wonder how you are going to live life with bipolar. You won't want to, and that is a justified feeling.

Experiencing depression is a part of grief that you cannot avoid. Watch yourself for signs that your depression is becoming serious and turning into an episode. Are you starting to isolate yourself? Does the isolation become so bad that you are cutting your support group from your life and not allowing them to support you? That is an indication of a depressive state instead of experiencing the depression stage. Call your doctor immediately.

ACCEPTANCE
After storming out of the psychiatrist office in 2007, I went home and did the usual when presented with a problem I know nothing about. I googled. I read. I took tests (please know these tests are not reliable, but I didn't know that at the time). It was one of those AHA! moments. I fit everything I read about bipolar disorder to a 'T'. I read up on bipolar disorder at NAMI and NIHM. Use these sites to educate your support groups. The next day I scheduled myself another appointment at my psychiatrist's office, and yes, when I saw him, I apologized. I went through a brief time of denial thinking now that my behavior was named, I could be fine. That was denial also. I didn't realize how much work being 'fine' was always going to take.

With acceptance, you will realize a life with bipolar, is indeed possible. Satisfaction is possible. Happiness is possible! You can manage bipolar despite the ups and downs. This is challenging when going through episodes, but it is still possible. You will feel empowered. You will feel clear. You will find that you can prepare yourself for the battle. You will feel stable.

FINAL THOUGHTS
In our next blog, we will discuss ways you can move through the first four stages. We will discuss ways to stay in the acceptance stage longer and how to possibly maintain this stage through an episode.


To balanced and productive days my friends!

Laura