I have not been inspired to write lately. It's the holidays. They are so hard to manage happily. Everyone else seems happy. I get frustrated I can't achieve the same feeling. It is depressing. How do people achieve that? Smiles. Good wishes. Appreciating the blessings in their life. I am lucky if I get through a day without cursing bipolar most times.
I admit everything felt grand in my world last night as I watched my boys open their gift. And I got the most wonderful friendship ring from my best friend, but it ended there. I just want to feel the same belonging to life everyone else gets to enjoy at this time of year.
Then there is family gatherings. In a way, I am blessed. I attend nary a family function these days, so I miss the sneaky drama. Of my own choosing, and to protect myself, I chose to cut a family member from my life. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Deeply. That person is the one that makes it their responsibility to gather as much family as possible during the holidays. And, I am most definitely no longer welcome. Their last act was to uninvite me to a family gathering after a wedding in 2014.
I come from a large family. Our parents instilled a strong sense of family in all of us. The ones that still accept me are not accessible. They live too far away or are gone this time of year. If they were here, they would go to the gathering to keep family peace. The feelings of being a lone outsider are intense.
So, I sit here today grateful this is all almost over and I can once again, til next year, begin the climb out of the holiday abyss. My wish is all of you are safe today, and managing the best you can if you, too, just want this all to just be over.
To balanced and productive days my friends,
Laura
