A Tsunami Of Raw Emotion - The Depressive State

Having bipolar 2 disorder is not the easiest thing I manage in my life. I'm not sure that I would call it the hardest either. It tends to feel like it though, especially when I am drowning in a depressive state (the low mood swing/period of bipolar disorder, which can be any length of time). It is difficult to explain how one feels during a depressive state unless you have a mood disorder, like bipolar.

I'm picky about words, and I'm not overly fond of the term 'depressive state'. It implies generic depression, and that doesn't begin to describe the ugly, dark and suffocated way I feel during a low period (I do not mean to minimalize depression outside of a mood disorder). A depressive state seems to be an endless pit of raw agony that eats down to my bones, while taking away my mental sight and leaving me in nothing more than despair with every breath. It's almost impossible to draw a breath and feels as if I am incapable of another. This description begins to describe my depressive state.

In January 2012, my oldest son almost died. Thinking back to it, even today, immediately brings me to tears and ignites fierce anxiety (I literally took a preemptive anxiety pill before writing this just in case). My boys are my world. Looking back, I now know that the events of January eventually threw me into a depressive state. I stopped sleeping. I became irrational (constantly checking to see if your 18 year old is breathing in the middle of the night is NOT rational, nor is rarely letting him out of your sight). I went cold turkey off medication just because I didn't like it. I cried all the time, but I couldn't explain why. I stopped eating. I started smoking again after a 19 year hiatus. I drank often and when I did, too much. Ultimately, I ended up in an inpatient stay and an outpatient therapy program for a total of 4 plus months.

During that time, I wrote furiously. Raw emotion in the form of words poured out of me like a tsunami. I wrote short stories and poems and dabbled in lyrics, all of it very dark. I learned to journal (thanks to my inpatient stay) and would write in it for hours about anything and everything. It was then that I wrote a poem entitled, 'in the Key of Blue' (ding, ding, ding...see blog name!). Now, I can't take credit for the title because a very dear friend came up with it after reading the poem (hi Drake! I love you!). But I definitely take credit for the words in the poem! So, 'in the Key of Blue' describes my emotions and how I see myself while in a depressive state. I would be lying if I told you I feel this way only during a low period. I struggle with these feelings every day. Depending on my 'mood', they vary in intensity. The more balanced my mood is, the easier it is to rationalize and dismiss my thoughts. I hope (but I don't hope...but I do hope, if that makes sense) we can find some commonality in the following poem:


in the Key of Blue
Cursed. A hopeless future
that doesn't merit the breath it takes.
Slow death. Destiny greedily met by the
God of Futility. A wasted life of heated madness,
bright star white. Searing rage. Shame.
The soul tormented with a desperate desire
to destroy what binds it. It chides and
endlessly tortures it's pathetic victim,
lost in the merciless hell of reality.
Nature's cruelly inept, chemical cocktail
leaves weakened and demented thoughts.
Feeling no worth. Seeing no value. Failure and pain
court each other in a crazed dance of unbalanced, mental lust.
Stench filled perceptions break the powerless spirit.
Cope? Succeed? Impossible! Accept.
Woeful disgust reveals itself as a horrific face,
twisted and disfigured. Don't look!
Shield your innocence lest you
become spoils of the insanity and
perversion that is me.


I've often wondered how others with a mood disorder feel in a depressive state. I also wonder how those without a mood disorder perceive a depressive state. Of course, in my catastrophic mind, my depressive state is worse than someone else's (hence 'I hope', so you prove me wrong, and 'I don't hope', because I wish nobody would feel what I do). I welcome comments from you that have a mood disorder about how you feel and think during a depressive state. I am interested in how we all differ. I also welcome comments from you without a mood disorder. Is this how you imagined a depressive state?

I try and verbalize my feelings to the friends and family I am fortunate enough to have for support. That list is very short, by the way! However, when I try and talk, no words seem to be strong or accurate enough to describe what a depressive state feels like to me. All I can tell you is that I am completely miserable and every feeling I have is an absolute reality of what seems to be fact for me. You can't convince me otherwise during that time and it feels like there is no possibility of anything changing. It is utter hopelessness. To say the least, it's not a fun day in the park...for any of us, mood disorder or not.



Standing shoulder to shoulder,

Laura



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I have the privilege of also blogging at www.pathsoflight.us/bipolarwinds. My introductory blog is published. Topics between here and there will always be different!

in the Key of Blue - An Introduction

I am passionate about reading and have always wanted to be an author (among other multiple things). I am fascinated by the written word. It can convey feelings, persuade opinions, change lives, educate, fuel imaginations, and so much more, than any other media. I grew up immersing myself in books and writing. Of course, having 6 brothers probably helped in leaving little else to entertain myself (just kidding, they were great playmates and my brother Jim is still my best friend). It probably also explains the 2,000 plus books on my Nook (with approximately only 200 unread)!

There is something else I am passionate about. Well ok, I am passionate about anything to do with my two sons and the Dallas Cowboys, too. DC4L! But that isn't what this blog is about for me and you.

I am passionate about the subject of mental illness.

Read that last paragraph again and concentrate on the last word...ILLNESS. I grew up thinking my problems reflected something unacceptable about me. I was broken. I was worthless. I was a complete failure. It was my fault I was so depressed and unable to fit into this world. I didn't seem to fit in even when I felt happy. I thought nobody could love someone like me.

The first time I thought about killing myself (I didn't know the word 'suicide' then) was in third grade. In college, after attempting suicide with pills a few times, I sought out therapy and began taking anti depressants. Almost 25 years later, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. That was in 2007. However, it wasn't until 2012 and an inpatient hospital stay that I realized there was nothing unacceptable about me. I realized it was time to stop being my mental illness and start managing it. I didn't ask for mental illness and I didn't cause it. None of us ask for it anymore than someone asks to be struck with multiple sclerosis, which is, of course, just one of the many other serious illnesses like ours.

So what's the deal with this blog? Why am I here with you?

Simple. I want to reach out to you. I have always had the deep desire to help people. I have 15 plus years experience in training and call centers. I love sitting for 8 hours a day and helping people. You can be really good at helping someone if you believe in what you are helping with, just like the best sales people believe in their product. And man do I believe in mental illness! Also, as I mentioned at the beginning, I love to write (if I can just work in the Dallas Cowboys somehow, my life would be perfect). So, this blog is the best of both worlds!

Now, don't get me wrong. I DON'T believe in selling it as a crutch for us to use to get by in this world. I DO, however, believe that even with mental illness, we can lead life instead of life leading us.

I want to share the good and the bad. I want you to know my victories and my failures. I know they are exclusively mine. But if they can help you get through just one more minute of each day as you have your own experiences, then I want to share mine with you.

I want to share with you what I have gleaned about mental illness through websites like NAMI and NIHM, among others that can be trusted. After all, we probably have all heard that knowledge is power.

I want to encourage you to join the battle to end the stigma against mental illness. People believe mental illness doesn't exist. People say it is a fad. They say it is over diagnosed. Or they tell us to stop making excuses and get over it. They also think we don't need medication to function. People think a lot of things in general, and unfortunately, some of those thoughts work heavily against us. We can change that together!

I want to share what I have learned about current mental illness law. I'll get into that more another time, but I am certain you will be appalled at how lacking it is. Money is being spent in the wrong places. Families can't get help. Prisons have become the new hospitals. We need treatment before tragedy!

So, this is how short and concise I can get about my decision to blog for you (believe me, I could go on and on but then you would fall asleep). All of this and more is merrily floating around in my little brain and dying for my fingers to type it out. I hope you will walk down this road with me. If so, welcome to the party! Next time though, you bring the snacks...


Your sister in arms,

Laura


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