How Distorted Thinking Affects Bipolar - Part One

Distorted thinking happens to some degree in every human being. We all tend to get just a bit irrational at times. However, with mental illness, there are a few differences. In a life without mental illness, a person is generally able to correct their distorted thinking fairly quickly. A person may do something wrong, but they will realize it, process their feelings, correct them, and move on. A person with mental illness has a much harder time doing this. They dwell on their distorted thoughts. This is called rumination. Their thinking is their reality. It is usually negative thinking, although not always, and it is an unwelcome guest in their head that leads to or worsens depression. The other difference is more serious. A person with mental illness will have distorted thinking that falls further into far left or right field than normal. This makes the fact that it won't leave their head even worse. Where a person without mental illness may recognize they did something and feel bad (even terrible) about it, a person with mental illness will do something and feel the error is unforgiveable. They may feel the need to apologize for no reason. They may assume others are thinking negatively of them with no cause. They may think negatively of themselves for no reason. Both of these differences together leave us wondering, "Is this for real or am I having a bipolar thought and/or reaction?"

We are first going to define the different types of distorted thinking. I have compiled this list from many different sources, and from what I have learned during the two times I have been through out patient programs. You will notice that some are very similar and that can be confusing. I have included examples to try and help (since I get confused half the time myself).

TYPES OF DISTORTED THINKING
Mind Reading - we think we know what other people are thinking. When this happens, there is no concrete evidence that our assumption is true, but it becomes reality in our minds.
Examples:

• We see two people whispering and immediately we think they are talking about us.
• We don't get a response on a text message and assume we are being ignored or someone is mad at us.
• We may think anyone of the gender we prefer is attracted to us just because they say hello.

Fortune Telling - we predict the future, when in actuality, we have no way of knowing what is going to happen. We are going to tend to think that something will not work out. Or, we assume things will work out no matter what.
Examples:

• We have a presentation to give and assume we are going to perform poorly, or fail.
• We meet someone new and assume they will not like us.
• We have an idea we plan to turn into a project and assume everyone else is going to see how wonderful it is and want to buy into it.

Minimization - We shrink everything about ourselves to the nth degree, making things less important than they are. We fail to see or admit our successes. We minimize our good qualities. One negative detail will cloud our entire perspective of a situation, much like seeing a small stain on the carpet and focusing only on the stain.
Examples:

• We may have a good day, but one mistake would make us feel as if the day was unproductive or unsuccessful.
• Someone compliments how we look and our reply is that our outfit is old.
• We complete a project to specifications but don't feel it is good enough no matter what.

Catastrophizing - We magnify everything and blow things out of proportion. It is the inability to see anything but the worst possible outcome. This type of distorted thinking often produces fear or anxiety.
Examples:

• A boss criticizes us, constructively or otherwise, and we fear we are going to get fired.
• We fail one test and fear we are going to fail the entire class, or worse yet, school in general.
• We argue with our partner and fear they are going to leave us.

All Or Nothing  - Very close to catastrophizing but an even more distorted thinking process. Everything falls into a black or white category. We never see gray. With all or nothing distorted thinking, we tend to use words like “always”, “every” or “never”.
Examples:

• We lose a job and think we are a failure that will never be successful, will always be a poor provider, and a worthless person. 
• We feel we are always right, never wrong, and will argue every point that doesn't fall in line with our own.

Personalization - we hold ourselves personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under our control. We may take the blame for things no matter what has happened. Sometimes, we even take blame for things that have nothing to do with us.
Examples:

• We see our child struggle and feel like it is our fault.
• We get into an argument with a friend and feel like we are to blame for the argument and the friend has no blame.
• A child may assume their parents are arguing just because of them.

Emotional Reasoning - assuming just because we feel a certain way about ourselves, it must be true. We make assumptions and decisions based on how we feel rather than what is reality.
Examples:

• We say something to embarrass ourselves and think we must be an idiot.
• We have acne and feel we are ugly.
• We think our outfit makes us look fat and therefore we are fat.

Labeling - when we assign ourselves a label in general. A situation does not precede this. Usually "I am" statements.
Examples:

• I am a loser.
• I am worthless.
• I am useless.

Would, Could And Should - second guessing ourselves. We are never satisfied with a situation, or when we make a mistake we think about what we should have done differently in a vague sense and without a concrete plan to change the situation. This produces guilt, which can move into shame.
Examples:

• I should have tried harder.
• I could have not said that.
• I would have been happier if...

Distorted thinking is linked to low self esteem. It is a learned behavior. Research has shown that the more a person dwells on distorted thinking, the lower self esteem will be, and the smaller the trigger will be that leads to distorted thinking. In our next blog we are going to discuss some steps to overcoming distorted thinking.


To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

The Two Most Important Relationships With Bipolar - Part Two

Today we are going to talk about the second most important relationship you can have with bipolar disorder. We will discuss finding a psychiatrist. Psychiatry is not an exact science. There are no tests or physical exams to determine that you have bipolar (not yet at least). Your diagnosis is going to come from the symptoms you describe, and not just from one session, but over a period of time where the psychiatrist can get to know you (avoid one that wants to diagnose you in one session). This places more responsibility on you in finding a psychiatrist you can connect with.

A BRIEF HISTORY
There used to be a biological/psychological split in how psychiatrists were trained. Biological training involved teaching a psychiatrist to be a doctor that provided diagnosis, medication, and psychotherapy (usually psychodynamic oriented). As time has progressed, the emphasis has changed and is now focused on diagnosis and medication treatment. Many times a psychiatrist will work hand in hand with a therapist. Mine does. Personally, the best therapists and psychiatrists I have ever had have worked together.

A CONSIDERATION

In 2007, a study was done between psychiatrists, nurses, and patients. Each was asked to rate the most important keys to a successful relationship between psychiatrist and patient. Almost 50% of psychiatrists felt that "ability of the patient to communicate" was the most important key. Around 40% of patients felt "being a good listener" was the most important key. This brings us to our first point.

YOUR RESPONSIBILITES
The more information you are armed with about your symptoms and management, the better. Educate yourself. Keep a mood log. Make a list of questions and/or concerns. Be ready to discuss how you have been since your last visit with your psychiatrist. Learn as much about bipolar as possible. There is no one definite place to research the symptoms of bipolar. I would suggest starting with NAMI and NIMH. This will give you a general idea. Remember that each person has their own journey with bipolar. For me, I quickly lose the ability to sleep whether I am in a hypomanic or depressive state. Many people report that when in a depressive state, they want to do nothing but sleep. So, because psychiatry is not an exact science, the psychiatrist needs meaningful communication from you. Help them help you.

There are a few other ways to help your psychiatrist help you:

• Stay medicine compliant - this means taking your meds every single day, at as close to the same time as you can manage.
• Be willing to make healthy lifestyle changes - diet, exercise, and sleep, etc.
• Be reasonable and expect reasonable outcomes - because psychiatry is complex a combination of evaluation and treatment, and the choosing and monitoring of medications, it may take months to find a med set that works for you. Patience may be something you will have to have.
• Be punctual and prepared - most likely after your initial office visit or diagnosis, your psychiatrist will manage your visit into 15 minute time blocks. They need to treat efficiently to be affective. Having a list of questions and/or concerns, along with your mood log, is a good way to help that happen.

A FEW ASSUMPTIONS
If everything is right, there are two things in your favor:

• Location
• Insurance/Finances

If you are missing either of these key advantages that allow you to have the freedom of choice, finding your psychiatrist match will be difficult. You may be left with choosing the best you can find even if it isn't the best match. If insurance/ finances are an issue, contact your local NAMI chapter or your local mental health center. They will help point you in the right direction. Unfortunately, most psychiatrists will not work on a sliding pay scale.


CHOOSING A PSYCHIATRIST

• Referrals - ask your family doctor. Ask your therapist. Call your insurance company and find out who is in your network. Use Psychology Today to find a psychiatrist close to you.
• Specialty/Focus - if you have bipolar disorder and a psychiatrist doesn't specialize in mood disorders, you will not accomplish anything. Make sure the psychiatrist treats your age group.
• Experience - I like the saying, "practice makes better". While this won't guarantee a better psychiatrist, someone who has experience in practicing has had the opportunity to have worked with all kinds of individuals.
• Availability - Is the psychiatrist available during off hours for emergencies and crisis's? Some psychiatrists belong to a group of psychiatrist that share on call duties. If they don't, your only option in a crisis will be 911 or a crisis hotline.
• Shop Around - Nothing says you have to stay with the first (or even subsequent) psychiatrist you choose. If you educate yourself about bipolar, you probably have a gut feeling on what you need to manage it when your mood is relatively balanced. You deserve to work with the best person possible for yourself. Be your own advocate for self care. A good psychiatrist will strike a balance between making sure you are on the right medications, but not too many or too few. I have been through quite a few psychiatrists. I was diagnosed with PTSD in December of 2014. After a few months, my psychiatrist looked at me and told me I was "going to have to get over it". He never offered medicinal help for the violent nightmares I was experiencing. I didn't even have any idea there was anything out there for PTSD nightmares until June of this year. I now see a different psychiatrist. You are most likely willing to shop around for the best buy on something you want. Don't be afraid to shop around for the right psychiatrist, also.

A GOOD FIT

Around 40% of you reported finding a good listener was the most important factor in a successful relationship with a psychiatrist. So, you are going to see that a few times below in the suggestions because it is important. A good listener will listen without interrupting. They will also ask questions relevant to what you say. Find a good listener. If your responsibility is to communicate, then the psychiatrist's responsibility is to listen. They should be able to repeat, or paraphrase what you say. In fact, ask the psychiatrist to tell you what they heard so you make sure you and he or she are on the same page. That may seem uncomfortable, but it is part of being your own self care advocate. Here are some suggestions on finding the right one for you:

• Bedside Manner - Are you comfortable speaking to your psychiatrist? Do they display empathy and compassion? They should have good listening & observation skills. They should spend time educating you. They will listen to your concerns, input, perspective, opinion, questions, and are willing to discuss any and all of those with you. You should feel like you are a partner to your psychiatrist and not simply expected to do what they say. It is important that you are heard if you disagree with their observations or treatment decisions. An excellent psychiatrist will even ask your opinion, collaborating with you and coming up with plans that work for both of you.  If you see a psychiatrist that seems rigid, intimidating or disrespectful towards you when speak up, it may be time to seek someone else out.
• Method - Most psychiatrists are going to meet with you for an hour on your initial visit and then schedule you for 15 minutes appointments after that. Stay away from psychiatrists that meet with you for less than an hour on your initial visit. It will take time to get to know you to treat you most effectively. They shouldn't be in a hurry. Neither should you. If you feel the psychiatrist doesn't have enough information about you after the initial visit, speak up! You have to be your own mental illness advocate. A psychiatrist should also see you once a month at first, gradually weaning you to every three months. The psychiatrist should be willing to see you in between times if you think you need to. Some psychiatrists will not hesitate to write a prescription, and some think less is more. Regardless of their method, they should be following you closely and listening to your questions, observations, and concerns.
• Knowledge -  Psychiatric diagnoses are complex. The symptoms you have often overlap between different disorders. Even if a psychiatrist thinks they know what disorder you have, they will consider a broad range of possibilities. This is where your knowledge can be an advantage and can (secretly) test how knowledgeable your psychiatrist is. I do it all the time, but I am careful in how I approach it because, of course, my knowledge is layman at best. This will also tell you how well you will partner with your psychiatrist. The same about knowledge can be said when it comes to your treatment. There isn't one set of medications that work to manage bipolar. Your psychiatrist should discuss a variety of treatment solutions with you.
• Ethics - unless you live in a very rural area, do not enter into a relationship with a psychiatrist that treats a family member. You shouldn't even use a psychiatrist that treats a friend. This potentially compromises the psychiatrist's ethical responsibility and could skew their treatment.

Finding a good psychiatrist is trickier than finding a good therapist. More than anything, they need to be wiling to listen and partner with you. You need to communicate and speak up for yourself. With those things together, you will be able to find a good fit.


To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

The Two Most Important Relationships With Bipolar - Part One

Everyone's life is full of relationships. Some are more important than others. If I was to ask you what relationship was most important to you, who would you reply with? Family? Friends? You may think they are, but I would like to approach this from a different perperspective. Today, we are going to talk about the first of two of the most important relationships you need to have in your life with bipolar. Both of the relationships mentioned above are, indeed, very important. However, the two relationships we will begin talking about today are not either of the above. The ones we discuss are going to help you succeed and draw closer to all other relationships in your life.

The two most important relationships are your therapist and your psychiatrist. Meaningful and successful relationships with each of these will touch your life in every aspect, including how you interact with your loved ones. Today we will discuss a therapist.

THERAPIES AVAILABLE
There are two types of therapies currently in practice by therapists. I'll include a brief overview of both, although if you would like to go much deeper into either, there is plenty of information available via your friendly Google search. They are:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
• Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytical Therapy

Most therapists today will actually sometimes blend the two and practice either based on your needs. Find out which of the two therapies your therapist uses, and/or if they use them both.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:
Also known as CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on the role of thinking about how you feel and, in turn, what your reactions or behaviors are. It focuses on you in the present. There are several approaches to CBT. The general idea behind each is that your feelings cause you to think and behave in a certain way. Thoughts, feelings and behaviors all work together. Irrational thoughts and feelings result in irrational behavior and poor coping skills. By focusing on improving irrational feelings and thoughts, you can change how you react to situations (stress at a job, personal relationships, life challenges). You will learn rational, self soothing skills, based on thinking through situations factually instead of emotionally.

All of us have problems, so the therapist's goal is to help you feel and think rationally through those problems. With irrational thinking and feelings, not only do you have a problem, but you also have an unproductive and irrational reaction to that problem. Your CBT therapist will teach you how to respond to problems in a calm manner. The role of your therapist will not be to tell you what you should feel. Their role is to listen, teach, and encourage you how to feel. Your role is to express yourself and your feelings, learn, and then implement what you learn.

CBT is less time consuming than psychodynamic/psychoanalytical therapy and can produce results faster. It follows a highly instructive manner and normally has homework between sessions to reinforce what you learn. It's model is based on a scientifically supported assumption that your emotions, feelings, and actions are learned. The goal is to unlearn irrational and unwanted behaviors and to learn a more rational way of thinking and reacting.

Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytical Therapy:
Originally called psychoanalysis, it was created as a set of theories and techniques by Austrian physician Sigmund Freud and is rarely used as the primary focus for therapy. It has been revised and has developed in different directions, resulting in the predominantly used term of psychodynamic. There are 5 basic principles behind psychodynamic therapy:

1. a person's development is determined by often forgotten events in early childhood besides inherited traits
2. human attitude, mannerism, experience, and thought is largely influenced by irrational drives that are rooted in the unconscious
3. it is necessary to bypass psychological resistance in the form of defense mechanisms when bringing drives into awareness
4. conflicts between the conscious and the unconscious can materialize in the form of mental or emotional disturbances, for example: neurosis, neurotic traits, anxiety, depression, etc.
5. liberating the elements of the unconscious is achieved through bringing this material into the conscious mind (via e.g. skilled guidance, i.e. therapeutic intervention).

With psychodynamic therapy, you are encouraged to express your thoughts, fantasies, and dreams. The therapist infers what they think are unconscious conflicts and interprets them for you, giving you insight into how to resolve your problems. The therapist focuses on, and confronts, what they feel are your defenses, wishes and guilt. They will hypothesize how you may be your own worst enemy and rely on the concept that it is only after having a healing experience will you be cured and/or aided.

Psychodynamic therapy has been criticized as having no scientific basis. Because of it's approach, psychodynamic therapy can take years for results. It's focus is on the past and it's role in your development, rather than CBT, which focuses on your now self and how to learn new thinking.

A FEW ASSUMPTIONS
If everything is right, there are two things in your favor:

• Location
• Insurance/Finances

If you are missing either of these key advantages that allow you to have the freedom of choice, finding your therapist match will be difficult. You may be left with choosing the best you can find even if it isn't the best match. If location is an issue, ask a therapist if they are willing to Skype or conduct sessions over the phone. Mine does. If lack of insurance/finances is an issue, ask a therapist if they will make an exception and work on a sliding pay scale.

CHOOSING A THERAPIST

• Referrals - ask your family doctor. Ask your psychiatrist. Call your insurance company and find out who is in your network. Use Psychology Today to find a therapist close to you.
• Licensing - Unfortunately, anyone can call themselves a therapist. So, the letters behind your therapist's name are important. Look for "LPC" ( licensed professional counselor), "LPPC" (licensed professional clinical counselor), or "LISW" (licensed social worker). Different states use different wording and different acronyms. If not sure, ask! Ask them what their training is and where it is from. There are counselors out there certified to practice based on their own lived experience with mental illness. As a personal opinion, I would suggest using these as a compliment to a licensed therapist if you choose to do so. A certification is different than a license.
• Specialty - if you have bipolar disorder and a therapist doesn't specialize in mood disorders, you will not accomplish anything.
• Experience - I like the saying, "practice makes better". While this won't guarantee a better therapist, someone who has experience in practicing has had the opportunity to have worked with all kinds of individuals.
• Shop Around - Nothing says you have to stay with the first (or even subsequent) therapist you choose. This is your therapy! You deserve to work with the best person possible for yourself. You don't necessarily have to tell the therapist you are leaving them if that truly bothers you. Just do it. Be your own advocate for self care. I have been through many therapists. I had one who told me they couldn't help me when I brought up an issue. That was my last visit and I didn't tell them because I was uncomfortable stating it since I had seen them for a long time. I also know of someone who asked why their therapist always yawned, and was told they were always tired and sleepy from lack of sleep. You deserve better!!! You are most likely willing to shop around for the best buy on something you want. Don't think you have to like your therapist and be afraid to shop around for that, also.

A GOOD FIT

Can you say "relationship"? Good. Say it three times while tapping your heels together, and repeat after me. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." Studies have proven the relationship between you and your therapist is the most important factor in successful therapy. Your therapist should feel like coming to a warm, accepting home where Mom and Dad still realistically expect the best from you. My therapist is gentle, yet doesn't let me get away with anything! If you can't talk about the ugliest parts of your life, you are with the wrong therapist. You have to feel comfortable enough to be painfully honest with your therapist. Here are some suggestions on finding the right one for you:

• Comfort and Connection - does your therapist make you feel comfortable? Can you make small talk? Can you talk about the things you find the most difficult to manage? I call this sharing the ugly. To have success in therapy you have to share the ugly and never lie to your therapist for any reason. Being real with your therapist is difficult because we all try to put on the face of being okay and you must let your therapist see that you need help. Having bipolar and the resulting mood swings is not easy. Find a therapist you feel comfortable sharing the ugly with. You deserve to be understood and guided to a better mentality. The way you connect with a therapist is important. Do they seem empathetic? Do they encourage you to share? Are they good listeners? Do you feel heard and understood when talking ugly? While you have an important part in this part of the relationship, a therapist has the job of making you feel comfortable to say what you need to say. You should have the kind of connection where your therapist is open to your feedback. Never be afraid to disagree or tell your therapist you don't understand. A good connection with your therapist will ensure that you speaking up will have them adjust to your needs and understanding. He or she should be open to feedback and to learning that something they said hurt or offended you. Good therapists are willing to look at themselves, to check their feelings, and to honestly and openly admit mistakes.
• A Plan - your therapist should present you with a plan for therapy so you have an idea of what they think you can accomplish together. After a few sessions, a therapist should even have an idea of how long therapy will be necessary. I want to note that for me personally, I have decided that my therapy is for life. All of this depends on how stable you remain in general. I need constant work!!!
• Approach - how do you feel your therapist approaches your therapy? You should feel their compassion. Ask them to describe themselves to you and how they approach therapy. Their answer will give you an idea of if you can connect with your therapist. Does your therapist seem to encourage dependence or independence? A therapist won't solve your problems. You will. They are simply there to guide you. And, therapy is hard work. Their approach shouldn't soothe you but encourage you to learn how to soothe yourself. If you find your therapist always providing you with what they think are the answers instead of encouraging you to come up with the answers yourself, you will become dependent on your therapist instead of yourself.
• Self Work - a therapist who has been in therapy has experience with both sides. If you ask a therapist if they have been in therapy, they should be willing to answer you. If they aren't, consider that a red flag. Most good therapists are wounded therapists.
• Ethics - unless you live in a very rural area, do not enter into therapy with a therapist that treats a family member. You shouldn't even use a therapist that treats a friend. This potentially compromises the therapist's ethical responsibility and could skew their treatment.

I can't express the importance of relationship. Do not be fooled. You don't need to feel like your therapist is your friend. You should feel like they are a trusted guide that accepts you. If this isn't the case, stop wasting your money and move on. You are spinning your wheels.

Next time we are going to discuss finding the right psychiatrist for you. You will find a good psychiatrist needs to have many of the same qualities as a therapist, but with a few differences in their approach.

To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

Grieving Over Your Bipolar Diagnosis - Part Two

In part one of "Grieving Over The Bipolar Diagnosis", we discussed the 5 stages of grief:

• Denial - It didn't happen. This is not me. It's not possible. I am numb.
• Anger - Why has my higher power let this happen to me?
• Bargaining - If I do this or that, it will go away or be okay.
• Depression - I can't take it. What is the point? I am worthless.
• Acceptance - It's going to be okay. I can live with this, no matter what.

Remember that the stages of grief do not happen in any particular order. They also do not last for any certain amount of time. Although women typically experience all stages, you may or may not. Stages can happen simultaneously, and they may happen more than once. To get through today's discussion we are going to start with a few quotes:

'The tasks of grief are TEARS:

• To accept the reality of the loss of your mental health you must
• Experience and allow yourself to experience the pain of the loss for as long as it takes, then
• Adjust, in your own timeframe, to the new life you will live; physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and medically. Finally, you will
• Reinvest in the new reality of living with mental illness' - Adapted from J. W. Worden, "Grief Counselling And Grief Therapy: A Handbook For The Mental Health Practitioner

"Grief is itself a medicine" - William Cowper

"The only way to get to the other side is to go through the door" - Helen Keller

CONSIDER THIS...
If you scape your knee, it is impossible to change the amount of time it takes to heal unless you care for it. Raw, overwhelmingly painful, and scary emotions are part of grief. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and loss of your mental health. You must experience the full impact of losing your mental health; of losing yourself and what you thought life could be. Let it wash over you at will. Follow it and the journey. Cry when you want. Scream into your pillow. Don't try and suppress your emotions. Surrender to your grief! And, don't let anyone take away your right to grieve. Do not listen to anyone else's idea of how you should or shouldn't be grieving. It is your grief, not theirs! Steer clear of those people. Listening to someone else's ideas will add guilt to your grief. Everyone has their own unique way of expressing and experiencing grief. As painful as grief is, it is your friend and will guide you eventually into the acceptance stage. Allow yourself to grieve fully, for as long as it takes. Do not avoid it nor try to limit how long it lasts.

A CAUTION ABOUT THE DEPRESSION STAGE
Because our loss is one of mental health, the depression stage is one that we need to watch closely. Our brain is diseased. Therefore, it limits our rational thinking. Rational thinking is needed through all stages. This bears discussion.

There are three kinds of depression with bipolar disorder:

• Situational
• Clinical/Chemical
• A Depressive State

Situational depression is what you will feel while going through the depression stage of grieving. Those with bipolar struggle with clinical depression that is regulated with anti-depressant medications.  Mood stabilizing medications are added to try to even out the manic, hypomanic, and depressive episodes. But, changes in clinical depression and/or depressive episodes happen. Therefore, it is critical that while in the depression stage, you are regularly communicating and discussing your depression with your therapist and/or psychiatrist. Situational grief during the depression stage is fluid, always changing, and "all over the map". You will feel up, then down, changing over time. Clinical depression and depressive states are much more pervasive, suffocating, steady, dull, and constant. Remember, a depressive state is marked by length and a profound lack of self esteem that doesn't improve over a period of time, along with a host of other pervasive symptoms. It is an exacerbated clinical depression that takes you to extreme lows. Because each stage of grief can vary in the amount of time you spend in it, the depression stage is the one to pay closest attention to in regards to your mental health. You may need a med tweak for worsening clinical depression and/or a depressive stage.

WORKING THROUGH THE STAGES
The only way to reach the acceptance stage is to experience the other stages. There are no short cuts. You don't just "get over" losing your mental health. I promise, the grieving process will help create change in your life that allows you to gradually accept you can live with mental illness. And I promise this is possible after a relapse. Experiencing the stages will help you refocus your energies towards the future. Grief is not about "returning to normal". You know the old saying. "Normal is a setting on your blow dryer." You will accept that you will never be what you were, but will find a new energy and direction for life. I don't like the word "normal", but you will find a new balance for yourself.

There are several strategies for working through the stages of grief. Some are simple. Some are habits you will adopt for a lifetime. Some will take some work and research on your part. With all these strategies, stick to your daily routines as much as possible.

Cry: You have permission to cry. Cry as much as you want. It is a natural stress reliever. Washington Irving is quoted as saying, "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power."

Be Gentle To Yourself: Be patient. It will take time. Some days will be better than others. Don't tell yourself, "I should be over this." Don't tell yourself, "I will be alright." Tell yourself, "I am a fighter and I will survive!"

Get Creative: Start a grief journal. Talk to your grief through the journal. Tell it anything that you think of, no matter how absurd you may feel in writing it down. While going through the anger and depression stage, try writing yourself a letter about your grief. Have a ceremony where you rid yourself of the letter to symbolize ridding yourself of anger or depression. You can tear the letter up, burn it, or roll it up tightly and stick it into a balloon before letting someone fill it with helium so you can release it. Try your hand at poetry about your grieving feelings. Nobody ever has to read it but you.

Watch Your Diet: This is required with bipolar disorder. A regular, healthy diet will help maintain your mental health. Grieving expands an enormous amount of energy. And grieving can manifest physically. If you have an upset stomach, clear broths, fruits, cheeses, and yogurts are easy on the stomach. You may even want to change your meal regimen to eating small, frequent meals to aid in digestion. Do not be tempted to try to avoid any stage of grief with alcohol. Do not abuse your prescribed medications. Fixes like this not only delay the inevitable stages you will go through, but they add to your problems. You don't want to invite a whole new problem into your life.

Sleep: This is another must with bipolar disorder. Regular sleep habits help maintain your mental health. During sleep, your mind works to process what you have been through during the day. Allowing yourself to deviate from your regular sleep habits will render your mind incapable of helping you through your grief. You can try meditation or yoga to help you sleep. You can also try soothing music or a warm bath and/or shower. Some swear by a glass of warm milk to aid in sleeping. If you are already doing this and you are still unable to maintain regular sleep habits, discuss it with your psychiatrist. You may need medication or a med tweak to help you. The addition or change doesn't need to be permanent. Work closely with your psychiatrist and therapist to know when to wean off or cut back again.

Exercise: Yet another must with bipolar disorder and needed while grieving more than ever. Exercise releases stress and tension and aides in combatting depression. Get plenty of fresh air and sunshine along with a regular exercise program. Cardio exercises are best.

Professional Support Groups: Talking with and listening to people also dealing with mental illness can be powerful. You will find you are not alone, and although mental illness is different for each person, there are a couple of benefits to a professional support group. You will be surprised at what you share in common with others. You will hear their struggles and victories and learn from them. You will find you can discuss things in a way where you are understood because everyone in the group deals with mental illness also. You may even find a few, new friends! Finding a professional support group is not difficult. You can contact your local NAMI chapter. You can google for support groups in your area. You can contact your county's mental health organization.

Personal Support Groups: Experts state that the most important part of the grieving process is the support of other people. While professional support groups are important, you should also take advantage of persons in your life who understand and accept you for who you are. Choose carefully. Those that care about you and accept you will consider it an honor to help you. Leaning on a personal support group is an additional way to verbalize your grief. While they can't fully understand what it means to have a mental illness, they can give you the tender and loving care that you need. They can listen without trying to fix you. Tell them what you need. Don't hesitate to ask them to bring you dinner or help you get out of your home. Tell them you just need to talk or cry or get a hug. These people love you and want to be there for you.

Hopefully, we have been able to share good information together through this two part series. Never forget that you are allowed to grieve for a lifetime. Don't wallow in it. Use the above material to work through it. The more you actively work your grief, the longer you will find you remain in the acceptance stage.


To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

Grieving Over Your Bipolar Diagnosis - Part One

When I type the word 'GRIEF', what loss do you think of that would cause you to grieve? Did you think it was the death of a loved one? Most people do. Today, we are going to discuss a different kind of loss that causes us to grieve. The loss of our mental health.

You are your own loved one. You were forced to confront a life you didn't ask for and give up the idea of what you thought life could be. It is the death of what could have been. That, my friends, is something to grieve over. This blog will be a two part series. We are going to first discuss the stages. Then, we will discuss ways to work through the stages in the next blog post.

AN OVERVIEW
There are 5 to 7 stages of grief. The most commonly accepted is by author, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, from her 1969 book, On Death And Dying. It is important to know a few facts about the stages of grief.

1. You may not experience each one, although studies show women normally experience all 5 to 7. 
2. They do not happen in any particular order. 
3. They can happen more than once. Just because you reach the final stage (acceptance) doesn't mean you won't revisit each again at different times in your life. Grieving over the loss of our mental health never goes away. We will be reminded of it, even while living in a relatively balanced state. 
4. Stages can happen simultaneously, and are sometimes closely related to each other, making you slip back and forth between them.

THE STAGES

• Denial - It didn't happen. This is not me. It's not possible. I am numb.
• Anger - Why has my higher power let this happen to me?
• Bargaining - If I do this or that, it will go away or be okay.
• Depression - I can't take it. What is the point? I am worthless.
• Acceptance - It's going to be okay. I can live with this, no matter what.

DENIAL
In 2007, my family doctor, who had been treating me for depression for years, asked me to see a psychiatrist. I am a little hazy on what happened. I just remember not being able to hear anything else once I heard the word bipolar, telling the psychiatrist he was full of it and walking out.

Denial is most commonly the first stage we hit, but it can hit at any time, especially during a manic/hypomanic episode. At diagnosis, we may be shocked and can't believe what we just heard. Impossible is our thought. Certainly, we can't be bipolar!!!

Denial manifests both physically and emotionally. Denial can cause us to bottle our emotions as we deny our diagnosis. Think of a high pressure water hose that has a weak spot (no, bipolar is not weak). Now think of stopping the flow of water and increasing the pressure. That is not healthy for the hose no matter which way you go about it. It can cause confusion, nausea, and physical bodily pain and illnezs. Denial can make treatment difficult. It can make us act out in ways that try to deny the disorder, one of them being anger, a very closely related stage. It can also cause depression, another stage. These all closely work with each other and feed off of each other.

ANGER
My first reaction, besides denial, was to get very angry. How dare he tell me I had bipolar disorder. The only thing I knew about it was a Lifetime movie I watched one time about a pregnant woman that went off of her meds to have a baby. It wasn't a very pretty movie. In my limited knowledge at the time regarding bipolar disorder, the psychiatrist was the one 'crazy'. It didn't last long, but I was really angry.

Fast forward to 2011 and my first time hospitalized. During outpatient group therapy one day, I got angry at the topic. I don't know what the topic was. I went home and suddenly found myself beating wooden cabinet doors over and over. I kept screaming as I beat the crap out those doors (they didn't suffer any consequences). I was suddenly so angry at every single thing that I had to live a life with bipolar. My higher power, my parents, my childhood, my kids, my cat. You name it, I was ANGRY. I beat so hard, that I bent bracelets. I had deep bruises on my wrists and palms for weeks that made it difficult for me to write. I even split a couple of knuckles. I faced the anger stage for years again after after accepting that I had been diagnosed. It lasted for a long time.

Anger works very closely with denial. You are going to get angry and blame everything. Your psychiatrist, your parents, anyone but you. Or maybe you will blame yourself. I have. It is infuriating that you have a disorder for the rest of your life without being given a choice in the matter.

BARGAINING
I find myself in this stage constantly. If I just take my medication, everything will be fine. Then I exacerbate it by refusing to change meds when they need a tweak. I think if I just hold on and try to 'get better' everything will return to 'normal'. I don't call my pyshciatrist until I have already sliiped into a depressive state. I bargain with my illness that if I am patient, everything will be fine.

The most common form of bargaining when grieving over the loss of your mental health will be feeling if you do one certain thing, everything will be okay. This can even be closely related to denial if you think you can control your life and bipolar disorder without any help. This certainly is not the case. Bipolar is a fluid illness. It can't be controlled. It can, however, be successfully managed.

Another form of bargaining will come if you think can self medicate with alcohol. Alcohol is a downer and drinking will negate the effects of your medications.

DEPRESSION
Are we talking depression or a depressive episode? We are discussing both, because depression, which is part of having bipolar, can lead to a depressive state. Part of the grieving process will be facing depression at times specifically about having bipolar. After the initial diagnosis, you may find you spend the most time in this stage. Depression can last any length of time. There are times when I am depressed for just a few hours. It is closely related to anger. Who wants to live with bipolar? I don't. So I get sad and sometimes angry. I feel like I will never have a life I can be satisfied with.

With depression you are going to be asking why you had to be burdened with such an illness. There will be tears. You will lose sleep or you will sleep all the time. Your energy will be low. You will either not eat or overeat. You may feel worthless or like living life with bipolar is too hard, or not worth it. You will experience the typical symptoms of depression, but it will be in relation to your diagnosis. You will wonder how you are going to live life with bipolar. You won't want to, and that is a justified feeling.

Experiencing depression is a part of grief that you cannot avoid. Watch yourself for signs that your depression is becoming serious and turning into an episode. Are you starting to isolate yourself? Does the isolation become so bad that you are cutting your support group from your life and not allowing them to support you? That is an indication of a depressive state instead of experiencing the depression stage. Call your doctor immediately.

ACCEPTANCE
After storming out of the psychiatrist office in 2007, I went home and did the usual when presented with a problem I know nothing about. I googled. I read. I took tests (please know these tests are not reliable, but I didn't know that at the time). It was one of those AHA! moments. I fit everything I read about bipolar disorder to a 'T'. I read up on bipolar disorder at NAMI and NIHM. Use these sites to educate your support groups. The next day I scheduled myself another appointment at my psychiatrist's office, and yes, when I saw him, I apologized. I went through a brief time of denial thinking now that my behavior was named, I could be fine. That was denial also. I didn't realize how much work being 'fine' was always going to take.

With acceptance, you will realize a life with bipolar, is indeed possible. Satisfaction is possible. Happiness is possible! You can manage bipolar despite the ups and downs. This is challenging when going through episodes, but it is still possible. You will feel empowered. You will feel clear. You will find that you can prepare yourself for the battle. You will feel stable.

FINAL THOUGHTS
In our next blog, we will discuss ways you can move through the first four stages. We will discuss ways to stay in the acceptance stage longer and how to possibly maintain this stage through an episode.


To balanced and productive days my friends!

Laura

Final Thoughts - My Journey Through A Mental Health Facility

I am a perfectionist. We will name that problem number one. I decided to blog some final thoughts about Mesa Springs and my stay. I wanted it to be perfect. So, I started to think about what I wanted to blog. Enter the second problem. I over think everything. Just ask my son, Daniel. He tells me I over think things and I tell him I think he may be right, but I have to think it over and then, after thinking about it, I will get back to him to let him know what I think...I think. Anyway, I regress. I've stopped obsessing over what to blog and here are some final thoughts for you.

Mental illness is a beast. Bipolar disorder is a beast. An ugly, rotten, stinking beast that does it's best to chew us up and spit us out. And, there are times it succeeds. Any chronic, possibly terminal illness is a beast. Is mental illness the worst beast to live with? I won't go that far although on bad days I would lead the parade. My nephew, Ricky, is fighting a reoccurrence of cancer and I can't imagine going through what he is going through. They had to drill a hole in his hip! But, mental illness is truly a beast. In my opinion, it is the only illness that tries to cyclically destroy our cognitive, emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being. It is not a nice beast to live with. As you know, there are many people that live successfully with mental illness though. Right? Well, let me address that for just a moment. I have bipolar disorder. And, even though you read probably the worst I have ever been through (ok, it was definitely the worst) because of a depressive state, I am a success. In fact, I am a huge success. You see, I still breathe. Therefore, I am a success. Are you reading this? You are a success, also. Congratulations. You are enough. Just as you are. Right now. This very moment; you are a warrior, just like me. I don't care what your current state is. You are breathing. You are a success for living with this beast.

Did I have mitigating factors that exacerbated my depressive state? Yes. But that is the nature of the beast. And I would like to address that, also. You will hear the terms 'mental health' and mental illness' thrown around as if they mean the same thing. They don't and whenever possible, I refuse to use the term 'mental health'. Unfortunately, that is where the current mental 'health' system focuses. They ignore those that are seriously ill, and ignore those that aren't so seriously ill, too. They focus on mental health, not mental illness. Unfortunately, the more ill we are, the less attention we receive. It just has to change or all of us are in danger. I fear for my children should they inherit my disorder with the current state of affairs. Anyway, to make my point about the difference between mental health and mental illness. Every human has their own mental health to take care of. None of us have had a perfect life free of strife, mistakes, disappointment, dysfunctional relationships, loss, etc. So, each of us has been molded by the positive and the negative in our lives into what we currently are. That is mental health. People deal with mental health issues every single day from those experiences. That is NOT, however, mental illness. Do you know the story of the princess and the pea? The pea is our mental health. All of those mattresses are mental illness on top of every single positive and negative experience in life. It piles high on your psyche and smothers your mental health. You can't find your mental health. It is not health (or the pea), it is illness (all of those mattresses piled one of top of another hiding that pea), and there is no princess in this story. Mental illness is a disease of the brain. You will see me repeat this over and over. The very organ perfectly designed to help us rationalize, accept, make decisions about, and lead us through an illness is the very organ that is diseased. It conflicts itself. It works against itself. It fools itself. It can't be trusted all the time. Like I said, it is a beast. We know next to nothing about the brain and therefore know very little about mental illness and how to treat it, (never mind cure it!).

So what did I learn from Mesa Springs? Well, first, I have to tell you that it was very difficult for me to transcribe the first week. I cried many tears while doing so. How in the world did I let myself get that low? But, I felt energized by the last 6 days. I saw the broken become much less than broken, and I am even more less broken now by making myself relive it. So, transcribing those last days was, in sorts, a mini boost. I learned that anyone can go from the depths of despair to beginning to accept mental illness. Yes, I have accepted that I have bipolar before. It was time for me to accept it again. I learned that anyone can go from the depths of self hatred to beginning to love oneself. Have I loved myself before? Yes, but it was time to do that again. I learned that if I want to be the kind of person I want to be, I first have to willingly accept the person I am, illness and all. That was a kick in the butt to my perfectionism. It didn't take kindly to it. I learned that I am enough. I have bipolar. I am not ashamed of it. I need help at times. And I am a fighter, so I am going to ask for help when I need it instead of beating my head against a brick wall. If I can do any of this, you can do it too. I watched, as a third person (even though I was transcribing my own words), someone come back to life and succeed.

I have been enrolled in an aftercare intensive group therapy program at Mesa Springs since my release from inpatient and it has been very hard work. I am finished now, but most days I came home mentally exhausted and had to take a nap. So please understand this very important fact. Inpatient stays are for one reason only. To stabilize you to begin working your way back to a balanced state. I read an interesting article the other day that spoke to getting your bipolar disorder IN order. I like that thought. Bipolar is never free of the possibilities of a manic, hypomanic or depressive state. A lot of very regimented, hard work has to go into lengthening the timeframes between episodes. Tons. So, inpatient stays do nothing more than get you ready to jump back up on that horse and try to ride. You just never finally reach the proverbial sunset. You are going to fall back off at one point or another. It doesn't mean when you fall off that you need hospitalization. I did, but I not only fell off the horse, I demanded it stomp all over me and kick dust in my face. You probably don't need hospitalization like I did if you are working hard and sticking to your regimen. You may just need a med tweak. But then again, that is the beast. Bipolar hates meds. Bipolar hates regimen. It fools itself that it doesn't need that. How many cancer patients find out that their tumor is shrinking and decide to stop just because they think their cancer will heal itself without any further treatment? I'm willing to say that if that number exists, it is very low. Ask that about mental illness and your number is too large to count. Even the group therapy that I just finished isn't the 'end'. I now face intensive personal therapy, finding some public support groups out there, deeper dependence on my personal support group for an unseen amount of time, and a regimented sleep, diet, exercise, and medicine schedule (again). All of that and more, like journaling and blogging are what I need to manage my mental illness.

I entered Mesa Springs in a bad state. Today, I am in a much better state. I entered broken and am now much less than broken. I still have a long way to go. I understand depressive and hypomanic states are a part of my future. But, Mesa Springs gave me a selfish idea. It made me realize I want to change this blog. I still want to blog about stigma and needed law changes. However, I am going to focus more on topics that we can address together to take care of ourselves. I know of a blogger with mental illness that blogged how uncomfortable they were with blogging about their struggles. You won't find this here. If I don't stay authentic with you, how can I be authentic with myself? So, I hope you will like the future blogs I have in the works and find them helpful. I will be including how I struggle, too. We'll share tips for managing. We'll delve into topics about why we think the way we do as mentally ill persons and how we can improve. We'll go into topics that are exercises for self care. We'll share with our supporters how to help us help ourselves. And, we will still talk about stigma and needed changes. Even though my main goal is still to touch you, I will be touching and supporting myself at the same time.

I would like to leave you with two songs. The first, "Sober", by Tool, is me going into Mesa Springs. It has one word I want you to change. When you hear the word, 'sober', replace it with 'normal'.  The second song is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. That is me today. Stick with me, let's fight together.

To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

SOBER, by TOOL

FIGHT SONG, by RACHEL PLATTEN

Day One - My Journey Through A Mental Health Facility

It was Wednesday June 3, and time for my 7:00p appointment with Tonya. She opens with the typical "So how are you?" and each session I normally put a lot of thought as to what I am going to say. I foolishly think I set the tone. I mean, it isn't like she doesn't already know how I am doing! I truly suspect the woman is psychic. And I don't believe in psychics. Last session she asked 'the question' and all I said was, "I'm not." I had thought about what to say but really didn't care what answer to give that week, so I was just kind of flippant. The woman still got me to talk meaningfully for 60 minutes though. June 3, I thought and thought, but hadn't come up with the exact words yet. You see, I had a plan. I knew I had shut down and was beyond help. I had begun to willingly and quite easily lie to the people I love and count as my support group, or I just ignored them. I didn't want them to know. I didn't care anymore. It became none of their business in my mind. Why bother when I was failing so miserably? I haven't ever willingly lied to my support group. Ever. But Tonya was the only one left that I was being honest with (well, except she had no idea I was lying to everyone else, but in my defense, she never asked, so maybe she isn't psychic after all). I knew the choice of words was paramount to my plan. Anyway, I went to the session to slyly try and get her to help me figure out how to get permission from my children to die. Now, I think I am pretty smart, and was convinced I could fool the best therapist I have ever had in my life to get the answer I needed, even though she seems to see right through me with a single glance. Sometimes I won't look at the woman. She reads my mind! I thought I could trick her into slipping up and giving me a way to gain approval from my boys to die. I rationally know suicide is selfish. I know it permanently hurts those left behind. It is a huge reason I fight as a mental illness advocate. However, I had played my last card. I asked my children for permission to die and they said no. And besides, in my head, I wasn't suicidal. I just wanted permission to die.

So we sat down, she looked at me, asked 'the question', and I will be damned if out of my mouth popped the words, "I think I need hospitalization, but I can't afford it." I swear to you my mouth dropped a bit and I thought, "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?" Tonya didn't immediately tell me how silly of a reason lack of money was not to admit myself, but thanks to her, I did end up admitting myself to Mesa Springs in Fort Worth, Texas, early afternoon on June 4. I agreed to it midway through the session and went home with a game plan to get things in order within 24 hours so I could go. During my 90 (I got 30 free minutes that night) minute session with Tonya, I kept telling her I wasn't suicidal, but I did have one heck of a fool proof plan I was happy to share and thought pretty highly of myself for thinking of it. Why not share? I wasn't suicidal. She didn't challenge me. Instead, she helped me to admit to myself that my preoccupation with gaining approval to die would eventually become greater than the need of my children's approval. And she isn't as smart as she thinks. I know now she made it seem like my idea, but she led me right to the watering hole. She never once told me, "Yes, you are suicidal." And, even though I just didn't care, I did obviously care enough to not want that preoccupation to become true. That is just how good she is. Or maybe she is the sly one??? Hmmm...

I was inpatient for 13 days. The first night home, June 16, I knew I wanted to blog about this, but had no idea how. How could I explain a journey from void to hope and make sense enough to touch someone else? I read a book that Tonya brought to me while there (told you she is awesome). The author tells the story of feeling inferior about giving a speech in which the other speakers are all CFO, CEO, COO types. In discussing it with her husband, she told him of a time where she failed miserably giving a speech that included other peer speakers instead of speakers she felt had more talent than her. I related to that. I felt like a failure and I felt inferior in life at the point when I read her story. All I could think was, here I am a blogger and mental illness advocate that just blogged about stopping suicide, trying to set an example and help people, and I am hospitalized! What else speaks complete failure? So, after reading her story again on my first night home, I made a terrifying decision. I decided to open up to YOU and publish my journal entries - word for word, grammar and spelling errors included (wow, that grates my nerves). The thought causes me to sweat even as I type now. BUT, in defiance of the shame, irrationality, doubt, self hate, irritability, psychosis, confusion, mania, hypomania, depression and anything else mental illness causes, this journey will now become yours if you so choose to read. My hope is you can see that 'broken' can become something 'much less than broken' again. I refuse to use the word 'fixed'. That implies 'works like new' and that was over the second I took my first breath with my childhood background. I won't use the word 'balanced' either. I still got some work to do. So, this is my journey. I do not wish it on a single person in this world. Even my two enemies. Though I say it becomes 'yours', your journey of hospitalization may (hopefully) never happen and if it does, it will be different. But I am now so convinced we ARE each other's best support system, that I am both nervous and excited to share.

So, before I let you loose, there are three things you need to know:

1. I was the victim of a crime on May 8, 2014. I can almost give you the time but I won't. It is etched in my mind and behind my eyes at random times during the day forever. It changed me. Laura was stolen from me without permission (not that anyone would have given permission).
2. Bipolar 2 and Generalized Anxiety are not my only diagnoses. I was diagnosed with PTSD December 2014, directly in relation to May 2014's events.
3. I made three consistent edits to my entry that were necessary:
   - details of my suicidal ideation and plan are replaced with the words "-suicide trigger-".
   - details of the event on May 8, 2014 are replaced with the words "-event trigger-".
   - real names are not used, however, look to the top of the blog. There is a tab called 'Glossary' and it gives the name and relationship to me. Use it if you find the blog confusing. If I would have ever thought I would share this publically, I would have done a better job of describing each person!

DAY ONE SUMMARY - I know I got to Mesa Springs sometime early afternoon because I had just found out my nephew Ricky's cancer had returned and I looked at my phone time as I stood outside the doors to call him and tell him I loved him before going inside. I was hysterical when I found out, even though his caring bridge entry was full of hope and determination. I don't remember anything else about getting there until I was shown my room and told that was the second time I had been in there (I wanted to know who touched my clothes) and my things were already put away by me! Obviously, the big name 'Laura' on my door wasn't big enough to show me where I was now living at that point. I was so clouded and confused. I hadn't slept since Saturday. I was very stressed and emotional and scared. And I have been hospitalized before so I should have known the drill. I would describe this entry by saying that at this point, I think I am the only person in the world that can fail at bipolar - you know, like how pigs can fly as hell freezes over and the Eagles win a Super Bowl...that really isn't possible. Oh! Language warning! Here I go...

JOURNAL ENTRY - Thursday, June 4
So here I am. Loser LB46-1. Room 412A. That is what my wristband says. Yeah me. Like who the fucking cares, I don't. They do. Insurance money. Get to know me and they are gonna want to return that shit as fast as possible and send me home in the first taxi they can call. Shit if they are smart, they wont wait for a taxi. Just throw me at the door and say see ya. They don't have to say don't wanna be ya cause that part is obvious. My eyes are sandpaper. When did I sleep? Saturday? Sunday? Who cares. I suppose I will see Dr. Kennedy and he will give me sleep meds. Yeah me. Nightmares. What I deserve though. Dumb fuck. I bet he is going to fucking mess with my meds...til he figures out how futile that is. Tonya says he is good. No worries. I will just smile, lie, do my time, and go. Lying is so fucking easy anymore. Fuck him. He will figure out how much of a waste of time I am. So it is the joy of a med set change and then the happy wait of seeing how long it takes for me to screw that one up once I am free. Woo the fuck hoo. Like I need something else to tell me I suck. What the fuck do they want. Prozac, wellbutrin, celexa, lexapro, zoloft,  Citalapram, effexor, Cymblta, zyprexa, seroquil, trazadone, ambien, lunestra, resperidol, Lithium, Abilify, Pristiq, Lamictal, Buspar, xanax (oh yeh), klonopin, what else. Like I can fucking remember. I know there is more. Why am I me? Why god damnit. It is cosmically deserved punishment. I tried so hard to figure it out. O I just thought I was smart. Ha. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Stupid Fuck. Why? I am such a fuck I say I love the boys but I cant even do the innate thing a mother does. They wont fucking give me permission to die. I do have enough brains to know that isn't love. But add selfishness to the fucking list of failure cuz I just don't care. I want it. Like I WANT IT. But being the fuck I am I cant even deserve that. God the fuck damn, I have even lost my words. I think maybe I was once whole. Dunno... It is a logical thought. Words are me. They compartmentalize me and give me purpose. I can define my fuckedness by words. Poems. Lyric. Journal. Blog. Now I obviously don't even deserve those. My brain is fucking mush to punish me for being such a fuck. Like is it even in there anymore. Maybe the nightmares steal it like they do my hands. I don't deserve hands either. They just fuck people up when I write. Stupid idiot. Like I feel them in me trying to take flight, but they fall to the ground and die.  I'm in labor and my words are stillborn. They die before a breath. Lucky words. Ha I can still crack myself up. I just cant take the filth in me anymore. Come on asshole - reality. Hey one for the fucktard to be smart enough to know that. Whats the damn score? 1 to what - infinity? As if I care I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I just don't care. Empty. Void. Numb. Nothing. Nada. I. DO. NOT. CARE. nope. don't try to understand me. Don't call me. Don't care damnit. What a fucking waste of your time. Why haven't you all figured out this obviousness by now? My stupidity is rubbing off. I am capable tho. Capable of dragging them thru hell because they are obligated to care. Nothing left sargent. I am on the cliff. There is the rail that that is forced to protect me from tumbling over. Fuck, I am not standing behind the damn thing, I am leaning over as far as I can on my tippy toes and trying to fall because I am a dumb fuck and forget to crawl over. Why not. The bottom is the only thing beautiful about me. My death. The best for all involved. I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I just know what is best for everyone and I am so dumb, I cant figure out the words to tell them it is ok cuz the words deserted me. I deserve that too. I just don't care. Jesus. I am here because I am obligated. I have children. OMG they are wonderful despite me. And since I obviously am such a piece of shit that I cant love them like they deserve, I have to come here. I owe them my life since they cant see the truth. Give them time I guess. If god loved me he would have given my children the gift to know they don't deserve me. Better off without me. Oh wait, God loves me, but I even fucked that up. I don't even deserve him. So I guess I need to be careful what I write. Wait no words because I am so stupid. No wonder. Am I writing? Is this a fucking nightmare? It looks like I am writing. Where the fuck am I anyway. Someone is fucking with my head again. Damnit leave me alone. Jesus Christ what is reality these days except I need permission to die. I am a failure. Stupid Worthless fuck. Wow that is such a nice thing to say about me. I need new words. The ones I have don't do me justice. They are too nice. It doesn't matter what I do. I fail. No cure for me. No remission. Just fail. Inevitable. Meds even know it so they give up too. The sand is solid and smooth at the top of my hourglass. And it falls through the tiniest of holes as its minute piece. It falls to the bottom. It reforms. different and ugly, in a unsymmetrical pile. A smart person turns the hourglass over and starts again. I don't deserve it. I just fail. I am the epitomy. I don't even deserve poster child. Ugly. Filthy. Poison. Venonmous. I am so tired. I cant do this anymore. Please. Grant me death. Mercy. I beg you tho I don't deserve it. Even if my toes give way, I will be that sand. Stuck at the bottom and ugly. But even my toes know to hate me. Protect those that think I help. I am a fraud. Protect them from my insanity. My poison. My despair. My heart filled with rage at myself for continuing to breathe. I am bipolar and it is stronger than me. None of that have bipolar shit I spout. It has swallowed me. I am it. It swallowed the boil that I am leeching with pus. It will digest me and spit me back out, more blasphemous than before. WEAK. BEATEN. POISON. WORSE. CANCEROUS BOIL SPEWING VENOM. It IS me. It OWNS me. Waste. Feces. A maggot. Spit out to the bottom of the hourglass and even more stupid to turn it over that now I will not even see the stupid. I am weak. I fail. Please. Mercy. I beg you. I can't. I just can't. Love me and give me permission. I know I don't deserve it but please just lie and love me. It is the best thing you can do for you. Someone help me let them see the only wisdom I have. Give me the words. Stripping my words is the last thing for me. I didn't need confirmation but no words confirm it. Then they can be free. Then they can be happy. Then they can have the life they deserve. Then everyone is protected. My head is exploding. It wont leave me alone.

Day Thirteen - My Journey Through A Mental HealthFacility

It was Wednesday June 3, and time for my 7:00p appointment with Tonya. She opens with the typical "So how are you?" and each session I normally put a lot of thought as to what I am going to say. I foolishly think I set the tone. I mean, it isn't like she doesn't already know how I am doing! I truly suspect the woman is psychic. And I don't believe in psychics. Last session she asked 'the question' and all I said was, "I'm not." I had thought about what to say but really didn't care what answer to give that week, so I was just kind of flippant. The woman still got me to talk meaningfully for 60 minutes though. June 3, I thought and thought, but hadn't come up with the exact words yet. You see, I had a plan. I knew I had shut down and was beyond help. I had begun to willingly and quite easily lie to the people I love and count as my support group, or I just ignored them. I didn't want them to know. I didn't care anymore. It became none of their business in my mind. Why bother when I was failing so miserably? I haven't ever willingly lied to my support group. Ever. But Tonya was the only one left that I was being honest with (well, except she had no idea I was lying to everyone else, but in my defense, she never asked, so maybe she isn't psychic after all). I knew the choice of words was paramount to my plan. Anyway, I went to the session to slyly try and get her to help me figure out how to get permission from my children to die. Now, I think I am pretty smart, and was convinced I could fool the best therapist I have ever had in my life to get the answer I needed, even though she seems to see right through me with a single glance. Sometimes I won't look at the woman. She reads my mind! I thought I could trick her into slipping up and giving me a way to gain approval from my boys to die. I rationally know suicide is selfish. I know it permanently hurts those left behind. It is a huge reason I fight as a mental illness advocate. However, I had played my last card. I asked my children for permission to die and they said no. And besides, in my head, I wasn't suicidal. I just wanted permission to die.

So we sat down, she looked at me, asked 'the question', and I will be damned if out of my mouth popped the words, "I think I need hospitalization, but I can't afford it." I swear to you my mouth dropped a bit and I thought, "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?" Tonya didn't immediately tell me how silly of a reason lack of money was not to admit myself, but thanks to her, I did end up admitting myself to Mesa Springs in Fort Worth, Texas, early afternoon on June 4. I agreed to it midway through the session and went home with a game plan to get things in order within 24 hours so I could go. During my 90 (I got 30 free minutes that night) minute session with Tonya, I kept telling her I wasn't suicidal, but I did have one heck of a fool proof plan I was happy to share and thought pretty highly of myself for thinking of it. Why not share? I wasn't suicidal. She didn't challenge me. Instead, she helped me to admit to myself that my preoccupation with gaining approval to die would eventually become greater than the need of my children's approval. And she isn't as smart as she thinks. I know now she made it seem like my idea, but she led me right to the watering hole. She never once told me, "Yes, you are suicidal." And, even though I just didn't care, I did obviously care enough to not want that preoccupation to become true. That is just how good she is. Or maybe she is the sly one??? Hmmm...

I was inpatient for 13 days. The first night home, June 16, I knew I wanted to blog about this, but had no idea how. How could I explain a journey from void to hope and make sense enough to touch someone else? I read a book that Tonya brought to me while there (told you she is awesome). The author tells the story of feeling inferior about giving a speech in which the other speakers are all CFO, CEO, COO types. In discussing it with her husband, she told him of a time where she failed miserably giving a speech that included other peer speakers instead of speakers she felt had more talent than her. I related to that. I felt like a failure and I felt inferior in life at the point when I read her story. All I could think was, here I am a blogger and mental illness advocate that just blogged about stopping suicide, trying to set an example and help people, and I am hospitalized! What else speaks complete failure? So, after reading her story again on my first night home, I made a terrifying decision. I decided to open up to YOU and publish my journal entries - word for word, grammar and spelling errors included (wow, that grates my nerves). The thought causes me to sweat even as I type now. BUT, in defiance of the shame, irrationality, doubt, self hate, irritability, psychosis, confusion, mania, hypomania, depression and anything else mental illness causes, this journey will now become yours if you so choose to read. My hope is you can see that 'broken' can become something 'much less than broken' again. I refuse to use the word 'fixed'. That implies 'works like new' and that was over the second I took my first breath with my childhood background. I won't use the word 'balanced' either. I still got some work to do. So, this is my journey. I do not wish it on a single person in this world. Even my two enemies. Though I say it becomes 'yours', your journey of hospitalization may (hopefully) never happen and if it does, it will be different. But I am now so convinced we ARE each other's best support system, that I am both nervous and excited to share.

So, before I let you loose, there are three things you need to know:
I was the victim of a crime on May 8, 2014. I can almost give you the time but I won't. It is etched in my mind and behind my eyes at random times during the day forever. It changed me. Laura was stolen from me without permission (not that anyone would have given permission).

Bipolar 2 and Generalized Anxiety are not my only diagnoses. I was diagnosed with PTSD December 2014, directly in relation to May 2014's events.

I made three consistent edits to my entry that were necessary:
- details of my suicidal ideation and plan are replaced with the words "-suicide trigger-".
- details of the event on May 8, 2014 are replaced with the words "-event trigger-".
- real names are not used, however, look to the top of the blog. There is a tab called 'Glossary' and it gives the name and relationship to me. Use it if you find the blog confusing. If I would have ever thought I would share this with the general public, I would have done a better job of describing each person!


DAY THIRTEEN SUMMARY - This is how I came to decide to publish these journal entries. I hope they have meant something to you. I will do one more entry to this series. I want to you see that an inpatient stay is just the beginning in the fight against bipolar if and when it becomes necessary. Oh, and LuBrano-Lavadera was my mother's maiden name. My dad and she met during World War II in Morocco. They fell in love while she taught him French and he taught her English. It was part of a program the Army did where they had a family adopt someone serving in the army for dinner once a week. She was a war bride!


JOURNAL ENTRY - Tuesday, June 16
I am home. I have no latuda and yeh I got really upset. I knew I would come out to some sort of stressor but that is to be expected. Well, besides the stressor that Lenny was late, of course. Like I expected anything else. But Ian smelled so good and I couldn't let go of him and couldn't stop smiling. It felt so good to hug him and be in his arms again. I missed my baby. He had just gotten off from Six Flags and I still couldn't stop smelling him. I love my baby. Anyway, real life is stressful. I panicked about the latuda. Took a visteral. Stacey and I spent the day together as much as possible. I never expected to connect to Diana and Stacey like I have. I do not want to lose contact with either and I know I won't with Diana, but I respect Stacey's boundaries and know I may never hear from her again. We colored mandalas and talked and laughed and just hung out. We stole a whole set of colored pencils from the group room this morning! Heh Heh. I brought home two. Bill my insurance fuckers. I did leave the stolen pen to my credit. And all those god awful golf pencils. Good lord may I never see another golf pencil. I think I will even refuse to play putt putt from now on. Crack myself up. Anyway, I have made a decision. This scares the shit out of me. I am going to publish this journal. Word for word. Craziness for craziness. Negative to positive. Maybe even my hateful picture. Ok, maybe not that one, but maybe. It IS part of the story. Broken to something less than broken. I shall see what happens. Talk about nuts Laura. Geesh you take the cake. But hopefully I will touch someone. Help someone. BROKEN!!! And I have done it. I am NOT AS BROKEN. Damn, if I can do it anybody can. My perfectionism. My self esteem. My LuBrano combined with Culross stubbornness. My fucked bipolar. Yeh yeh I know girl, my bipolar, not my fucked bipolar. Just bipolar fuck off. I am still here. I can still smell my children. I can't wait to see Daniel. I want to smell him. Yeh I know you are weird girlfriend. Anyway, on point...my bipolar but fuck off bipolar. I can live with you. Up and down, I can do it. And now the real work begins. I don't have a way to php even though Diana offered. I just don't want to impose. So, the real work begins with Tonya if I can get her to do therapy over the phone since I have no transportation right now. I wonder if she Skypes? HELL NO. I would have to stare her in the eyes for an hour and I can't do that. I wonder if she ever notices how much I look around the room. What am I thinking, of course she does. So, yeh, publish the journal. Be courageous. Tell my heart. Be brave like Brene Brown. Yeh, think I will sleep now. God Laura, you rock. Ok, you suck too, but you rock you fucking survivor. I fucking want to get my nose pierced. My celebration of life. Good night love. You bitch! LMAO. Crack myself up. Jesus am I really gonna publish this? Yep. iamCULROSS...hear me roar! Holy shit, I am going to publish my journal. Wow. Extraordinary courage? Yeh, give myself credit. Man am I scared. But going be like that Brene Brown talk and tell the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Yep. Pat on the back. Pat! Now shut up and go to sleep. Yes ma'am. Good night girlfriend. Love you. You deserve it. Your own love you know. You deserve it. As is. Right now. Now shut up.

Day Twelve - My Journey Through A Mental Health Facility

It was Wednesday June 3, and time for my 7:00p appointment with Tonya. She opens with the typical "So how are you?" and each session I normally put a lot of thought as to what I am going to say. I foolishly think I set the tone. I mean, it isn't like she doesn't already know how I am doing! I truly suspect the woman is psychic. And I don't believe in psychics. Last session she asked 'the question' and all I said was, "I'm not." I had thought about what to say but really didn't care what answer to give that week, so I was just kind of flippant. The woman still got me to talk meaningfully for 60 minutes though. June 3, I thought and thought, but hadn't come up with the exact words yet. You see, I had a plan. I knew I had shut down and was beyond help. I had begun to willingly and quite easily lie to the people I love and count as my support group, or I just ignored them. I didn't want them to know. I didn't care anymore. It became none of their business in my mind. Why bother when I was failing so miserably? I haven't ever willingly lied to my support group. Ever. But Tonya was the only one left that I was being honest with (well, except she had no idea I was lying to everyone else, but in my defense, she never asked, so maybe she isn't psychic after all). I knew the choice of words was paramount to my plan. Anyway, I went to the session to slyly try and get her to help me figure out how to get permission from my children to die. Now, I think I am pretty smart, and was convinced I could fool the best therapist I have ever had in my life to get the answer I needed, even though she seems to see right through me with a single glance. Sometimes I won't look at the woman. She reads my mind! I thought I could trick her into slipping up and giving me a way to gain approval from my boys to die. I rationally know suicide is selfish. I know it permanently hurts those left behind. It is a huge reason I fight as a mental illness advocate. However, I had played my last card. I asked my children for permission to die and they said no. And besides, in my head, I wasn't suicidal. I just wanted permission to die.

So we sat down, she looked at me, asked 'the question', and I will be damned if out of my mouth popped the words, "I think I need hospitalization, but I can't afford it." I swear to you my mouth dropped a bit and I thought, "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?" Tonya didn't immediately tell me how silly of a reason lack of money was not to admit myself, but thanks to her, I did end up admitting myself to Mesa Springs in Fort Worth, Texas, early afternoon on June 4. I agreed to it midway through the session and went home with a game plan to get things in order within 24 hours so I could go. During my 90 (I got 30 free minutes that night) minute session with Tonya, I kept telling her I wasn't suicidal, but I did have one heck of a fool proof plan I was happy to share and thought pretty highly of myself for thinking of it. Why not share? I wasn't suicidal. She didn't challenge me. Instead, she helped me to admit to myself that my preoccupation with gaining approval to die would eventually become greater than the need of my children's approval. And she isn't as smart as she thinks. I know now she made it seem like my idea, but she led me right to the watering hole. She never once told me, "Yes, you are suicidal." And, even though I just didn't care, I did obviously care enough to not want that preoccupation to become true. That is just how good she is. Or maybe she is the sly one??? Hmmm...

I was inpatient for 13 days. The first night home, June 16, I knew I wanted to blog about this, but had no idea how. How could I explain a journey from void to hope and make sense enough to touch someone else? I read a book that Tonya brought to me while there (told you she is awesome). The author tells the story of feeling inferior about giving a speech in which the other speakers are all CFO, CEO, COO types. In discussing it with her husband, she told him of a time where she failed miserably giving a speech that included other peer speakers instead of speakers she felt had more talent than her. I related to that. I felt like a failure and I felt inferior in life at the point when I read her story. All I could think was, here I am a blogger and mental illness advocate that just blogged about stopping suicide, trying to set an example and help people, and I am hospitalized! What else speaks complete failure? So, after reading her story again on my first night home, I made a terrifying decision. I decided to open up to YOU and publish my journal entries - word for word, grammar and spelling errors included (wow, that grates my nerves). The thought causes me to sweat even as I type now. BUT, in defiance of the shame, irrationality, doubt, self hate, irritability, psychosis, confusion, mania, hypomania, depression and anything else mental illness causes, this journey will now become yours if you so choose to read. My hope is you can see that 'broken' can become something 'much less than broken' again. I refuse to use the word 'fixed'. That implies 'works like new' and that was over the second I took my first breath with my childhood background. I won't use the word 'balanced' either. I still got some work to do. So, this is my journey. I do not wish it on a single person in this world. Even my two enemies. Though I say it becomes 'yours', your journey of hospitalization may (hopefully) never happen and if it does, it will be different. But I am now so convinced we ARE each other's best support system, that I am both nervous and excited to share.

So, before I let you loose, there are three things you need to know:
I was the victim of a crime on May 8, 2014. I can almost give you the time but I won't. It is etched in my mind and behind my eyes at random times during the day forever. It changed me. Laura was stolen from me without permission (not that anyone would have given permission).

Bipolar 2 and Generalized Anxiety are not my only diagnoses. I was diagnosed with PTSD December 2014, directly in relation to May 2014's events.

I made three consistent edits to my entry that were necessary:
- details of my suicidal ideation and plan are replaced with the words "-suicide trigger-".
- details of the event on May 8, 2014 are replaced with the words "-event trigger-".
- real names are not used, however, look to the top of the blog. There is a tab called 'Glossary' and it gives the name and relationship to me. Use it if you find the blog confusing. If I would have ever thought I would share this with the general public, I would have done a better job of describing each person!


DAY TWELVE SUMMARY - Just a few clarifications. I mention an internet service. We have an internet service here in Texas called Clear. My humor and thought process is fairly twisted like that. And I do crack myself up quite often! I have noticed over the course of the last few days that I started writing that again. I had a list of questions for Kennedy and wrote my answers next to them when we met, so I just included what was written in the margins of my journal in parenthesis. I write about crayons in this entry. I have since modified it and included it in my writings that I hope to eventually publish! It is simply named "Mental Illness In Crayola".


JOURNAL ENTRY - Monday, June 15
Release tomorrow? YEP! WOOT!!! This is very different for me and makes me think much. Have I ever been on a good med set like this before. I honestly don't think so. Kennedy is brilliant. I feel so different than any med set except how I was beginning to feel on the last one before -event trigger-. I feel so clear. A different clear than before. Is this happy? It IS different than hypomania. I'm not high happy. And I haven't been high happy outside of hypomania back in the day. I don't have any of the disillusions with hypomania. Nothing reckless. Nothing irritable. No ants crawling all over my body while I love every single thing about life and think I can do everything. I even love the ants because it makes me feel alive. They do make me really irritable though. My body wants to sleep - well thank you valium. I don't have my mind in a million directions thinking of all the things I need to start and do, or these brilliant ideas that I know can make a difference if I just start them, but really have no idea how to go about them, and try anyway only to abandon them when the next one hits. It is just different. It is ... clear. Dunno. Maybe I am the internet service. High speed. Occasional blip, usually when I need the service the most. But ready to process information at the listed top speed. Not faster. Not slower. Just regular 4g. DAMN DO I CRACK MYSELF UP. Jesus what if this one gives out? Ugh. Don't think that. Ha. Caught myself. How about please please please don't give out or I will cry? Meh. Go with it.

Questions for Kennedy:
- will Prazosin make me completely dreamless cuz that sure would be nice (no, you will still have good and bad dreams. Dreams are essential for proper sleep. You will still have nightmares, you will be unable to remember until they stop when you come to terms with what happened)
- I had bad side effects from resperidol. Am I more susceptible to side effects from Latuda. A lot of them are the same (no)
- are there other drugs like resperidol or latuda - same family that don't have those side effects. Abilify did nothing. Lithium didn't. Zyprexa stopped working. (yes)
- had a nightmare about Lenny last night but don't remember it except I found Valentine presents - the same ones but in different colors - and wondered who they were for and then found out he had been recording my phone conversations because he wanted to prove I am a liar and everyone knew but Ian and Daniel and Ian found out and got really mad and upset with Lenny and I felt like it was all my fault because I wasn't good enough for Lenny to believe I don't lie and I felt like it was my fault that Ian was upset. I cried really hard in the dream. Ok, so I remember but ask this question anyway. Will those nightmares get better (that is a dream not a nightmare - see above)
- Latuda says side effect of bruises. 4 on right arm, 1 on left elbow, 3 left knee, 1 left shin, 1 right knee. All new since here and I don't remember hitting anything. Is that a problem? (no, you will just bruise easier but it is not dangerous. You will just bruise easier as the side effect)

The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. - BB

Ok, so compassion meant to suffer with. So stop blaming myself and shaming myself and suffer or maybe a better word for me is to mourn bipolar and my childhood. Stop trying to stop it and stuff it and prove my failure. Accept it. Accept myself. Accept bipolar. I am angry about it again. Stage of grief over loss of health. Stop trying to be the perfect bipolar. Stop trying to be the perfect child that is over a bad childhood. Allow or agree that I am allowed to be sad about it and bipolar. Then, have the courage - speaking from my heart - to move on. PROFOUND FUCKING PROFOUND

Connection - the energy that exists between people when they are seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. - BB

Still think this can apply to me personally. Especially the judgment I put myself through. Be real with myself and don't deny bipolar. Let myself hear myself. Become valued to myself. Accept myself even with bipolar. Derive strength from that real. Connect to myself - my bipolar self.

One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on 'going it alone.' Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world into 'those who offer help' and 'those who need help.' The truth is we are both. - BB

We become more adept at helping graciously each time we graciously accept help says Brene. Why do I feel such shame at accepting help? LaShonda helping almost killed me. Think think think. I really need to figure this out because if I am to become a real advocate, that means I will help and I can become a better advocate logically if I also graciously accept help. Lots to think about on this. Lots. I hate getting help because I have bipolar and think it shows failure. But is that true? What if I ask for too much help? Am I fooling myself that I need help when I am just not wanting to do something. Am I fooling myself? I am always doubting myself. I really need to think this through more. I must change to become a better advocate.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we can never really give with an open heart. - BB

Ouch. Because asking for help shames me does that mean my heart isn't open??? Ouch. Hope she goes into this more. Lay this one aside as important but don't think about this one just yet.

If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions. - BB

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. - BB

Wow did she just describe me. I think I own bipolar, but I don't!!!! I have to own my story. Does this mean I should blog this journey I am on right now. YES! But how? How do I get a story across of going from broken to something less than broken??? I HAVE to do this. I have been thinking about what direction to take the blog since I have written three while here. I want it to do different. Could this be the start? I really have to think about this. I want want want to touch. Passion to touch. Bipolar is so livable. For others. BUT FOR ME TOO. How do I own my story and move forward. I want to advocate. We all need so much. I want change for others more than myself. Is that not owning my story? Hmmm.

Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is. - BB

Yes! Bipolar makes you feel unworthy. If you aren't balanced, you are embarrassed and ashamed of depressive and hypomanic states. So not true. Right this minute - worth. Depressive or manic!!!! Wow.

...fitting in and belonging are not the same thing... Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

How has this woman gotten into my head and seen my life story?????????? Crack myself up.

We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering. - BB

Part of what makes bipolar so hard. Think of cancer Laura. Have cancer and you instantly get loved and supported. You belong. People adopt you. Pray for you. Bring you food. Mention you at church in special prayer. Call you. Check up on you. Accept your 'sick' behavior as part of your illness. Mental illness. Not so much. Too much stigma. People don't understand mental illness. It isn't their fault. WE don't understand mental illness as a society in whole in truth. Not enough known about it yet. It is the brain. The best supportive people are ones with mental illness only because they live it too, but every bipolar is different and has different reactions and different states and so much different so even that support isn't exactly right. Society knows so little that they can't understand. Tell someone you have cancer and it is a different story. Say mental illness and the reaction is all over the fucking board. Not their fault. Brain. Not enough known. Inconsistent diagnoses. Inconsistent treatments. No cure. Relapses will happen. No I feel better and so they think it won't happen again. So, depressive and manic effects the ability to love, be loved, and belong. Interesting.

Loving yourself means trusting ourselves, respecting myself, and kind and affectionate to ourselves. - BB

The name of this book should be The Gifts of Imperfection for Laura M. Culross! Ha. Crack myself up. I just realized I don't respect myself though, so maybe this woman is good like Tonya.

Do not allow professing love and practicing love to be incongruent. To profess is feeling. To practice is action. Your feelings of love must reflect how you practice your love - honor, trust, honesty, authentically, compassionately, and with courage - both for yourself and in return. So that is what I just got out of that part. I need to love myself as bipolar. It is lovable! And, if someone can't love you with bipolar, then they are the incongruent one. See ya. Don't let the door hit ya.

If you feel you can love others but not yourself, remember that others can see the amount of love you have for yourself and it is like second hand smoke. Yikes. I kill people??? LOL. I can become a better advocate by loving myself. I can manage bipolar better by loving myself. Accept me. Right at this moment. As is.

This is my last night here. I spoke to Kennedy today and Mesa has done all it can for me at this point. Medically, I feel stable. That is all inpatient can do for me. The real work starts now. So many things have raced through my mind while here. So many changes. I know I came in broken. Shattered, really. I really hated bipolar and myself again when I came. It feels good to be out of that again. For me, it is a combination of a lot of things. But those things happen to anyone. I just so happen to also have bipolar. But I don't want to minimize that. Living with bipolar is hard. So many things happen to make it difficult. The biggest thing is that the very organ designed perfectly by God to help humans through a chronic or possibly terminal illness is the very organ sick. And mental illness is both. Chronic. Possibly terminal. Everyone is imperfect so we all operate in imperfection. But with bipolar, it just becomes so much more difficult. Mental illness as a whole is ignored by society. Even within the mental illness community I see division. Some do not want to recognize PTSD. Well, I am here to tell you Laura, never discount PTSD again because of what you read. This is a serious thing. But I also recognize where our community is coming from. The day I admitted I had PTSD, Tish piped up and said she had it too. So later I asked her from what and she didn't know and didn't remember. Yeh. For me, it is nightmares that are ugly beyond belief. Don't touch me if I don't see it coming. Rage. I feel like I cant even talk to a man because I am so scared. Although Matthew may be different. I don't know. I get scared in my own house so much because they still know where I live. I have to move when I can because I don't think that will ever end. I am literally afraid to open the curtains or go outside sometimes. I cant stand to see black trucks. All black trucks cuz I can't remember what specifically he has. I am afraid I am being followed. It is so much more, so yeh, PTSD is real. It needs help like other mental illnesses. Anyway, girl stay on point. We are ignored as a whole by society. Like we are going to go away if ignored??? And, having bipolar, NOT schizophrenia, but bipolar is thankfully ALL I have. I think schizophrenics are the most ignored. They scare people. And they need the most help. BACKWARDS!! Let's ignore brain cancer because it scares us. But I am definitely ignored at a personal level and a societal level. People just don't understand. But having bipolar becomes such a problem because you want to function, you want to be accepted, you want no one to know because they treat you differently and shit, you want to be a part of society, but lets face it...you can't be a member of society like it dictates at times. So, you hide, you shame, you can't help nor even sometimes remember how you act. And it becomes this vicious cycle that can destroy you. This vicious cycle of wanting to be productive so not wanting help but needing help. This vicious cycle of needing help but either denying it - ME!!! I RAISE MY HAND FIRST!!! - or not realizing it so you get worse...sicker. This vicious cycle of wanting to be productive, but you can't at times or you think you are, and really aren't, and then just feel like giving up because it never seems like you accomplish anything but riding waves. It's like fuck it. Fuck trying to explain. Fuck trying. Fuck everything. Just throw me in the sea and I'll ride the waves til I can't anymore and it really doesn't matter. This vicious cycle of wanting to be rational but unable to be rational and then shaming yourself. This vicious cycle of people not understanding, seeing you happy and thinking it will stay that way, and when you fall up or down again, they begin to tire of you because they just don't understand. So many vicious cycles that lead us, in part to more mood swings or longer mood swings. We are self destructive and don't mean to be. We are our own enemy without meaning to be. Society is our own enemy without meaning to be. How do I change this? I can't. But I can certainly be a voice. How can I grow? How can I start to impact. I want to. I want for me. I want for others that are alive with mental illness right now. I want for our future community of those with mental illness. I just WANT. I have to take care of myself better so I can do the best I can to help those that are suffering. My brain is my enemy but damnit, I am fucking strong and I will prevail. I will prevail during balanced moods and I will do what it takes to make those mood shoes that drop of shorter duration, and then while balanced scream from the top of the highest building in my loudest voice til I am hoarse for needed change. To help. To touch. I cant do it all the time, but when I can I MUST. I have bipolar and I am not going to be perfect. I can't be fixed. Fixed implies 'works like new'. Not possible. I just know I came in here very broken.Shattered into millions and millions of pieces. I came in not caring about anything anymore. I cared about absolutely nothing. Especially myself. I came in at such a low point that I literally hated myself just because of -event trigger- and that I have bipolar. How can I hate the disease I fight against as an advocate. I can't help people that way. I came in a liar. To myself especially, but to others, too. Those others, I lied to them. They are my support group. I can never lie to them again. It isn't fair to them. IT ISN'T FAIR TO ME. I can always redefine my support group. I HAVE TO LET ME BE ACCEPTED FOR ME. ALL PARTS OF ME. The good, the bad, the ugly. I cannot stop fighting...managing...surviving. I want. I came in in shame. Shame that yet again I had failed. FAILED? Hell no. I was a warrior to come here. I am a fighter to be so broken and irrational and incapable of thought that I came here and accepted help. I didn't want help at first. I was so ashamed at first. Shame I was here. Shame I was failing my own disease. Shame I was failing others. Shame I haven't held a job when I have always succeeded at jobs. I feel no shame now. How can I help others to not feel shame? My blog HAS to change. My focus HAS to change. I don't care what the community says about peer counselors. I can do it. I can make a difference. I can learn more than a peer support is required to know and help. Let people judge me. Peer support isn't an answer. It is a supplement to what is really needed for our community. I believe in it. I want to use peer support to speak. Speak at mental health facilities. Speak at NAMI - good god do they need help. Speak to high schools. Think of the help that our young ones need at that age Laura!!! I want to speak. I want to blog. I want to write a book. I want to motivate. I want to help. I want to give. I want change. I want. I want. I WANT. My head is clear and now work can begin. Meds have cleared my head. I feel content. I want. I know I am not hypomanic. I don't have the symptoms. Not the I feel happy in that hypomanic way. Not euphoria. I just want. I know I am happy because I am safe here and no stressors of reality. Well, except having to wait so fucking long between smoke breaks. Ha. Crack myself. Anyway, stay on point girl. I know reality is going to hit me when I walk out that door. And that is why inpatient is just the beginning. You don't walk out of inpatient and everything is fine. It is but a beginning. Just a scratch on the surface. NOBODY without mental illness realizes that. Inpatient just stabilizes you so you can work towards a new balance. And balance is fucking hard work to get to, let alone retain for any amount of time. Such is the life of bipolar. But it isn't THAT bad. I am blessed. Insurance. Proximity to have a place like here, a therapist, a psych, support groups. A roof over my head. Food. What about all of us that don't have that. I have to fight for them. I want. SO, no I am not fixed. UGH. Strike that word from the mental illness dictionary. While we are at it, strike recovery. I am ready to walk out, nervous as shit, but ready to go. Ready to face. The good. The bad. The ugly. Especially the bad and ugly. I can do it. I can do it and use it for my advocacy. I can help others to see that no matter what, they have worth and they can do it too and they should seek support and stay on their meds and it is OKAY to fall either way, depressive or manic. It happens. Like when you have cancer and go through chemo, do you say I don't accept that my hair is going to fall out? Of course you don't cuz it is GOING to happen whether you want it or not. SHIT HAPPENS. WE MUST MOVE ON. If for nor nobody but ourselves. WE MUST MOVE ON. Did I already say that? Ha!!! I want. Life. Breath. Love. SELF LOVE. Job. Good. Bad. Ugly. Ok, maybe stretching it with the bad and ugly, but hey, what did I just say Laura. I am strong because I face the bad and ugly. Back slap. SLAP! Ouch. I feel fire. Life. Advocacy. Me. ME. Me. I feel me. The good. The bad. The ugly. And I am still beautiful. There is joy, minute, but joy in having bipolar. That silver lining. That sliver. I have patience. Compassion. A true desire and purpose to help. A nurturing nature. Mercy - unless I am an ignorant fuck and I am trying not to be an ignorant fuck anymore. Will I fall? Yep. But God Damnit, I will rise and fight yet again. If I can they can too. iamCULROSS and still am even with bipolar. Mesa has made me understand I deserve those things for myself. Mesa or meds or does it even matter? Hence the ignorant fuck comment, right girl. I know I may need hospitalization in the future. But so what. It is an opportunity to yet again grow. Ok, so I don't want hospitalization again, but I have to mark this place in my journal to remind myself to seek it out hella sooner than I did. Stop wasting my life with denial. Embrace bipolar life. It sucks. It fucking sucks. It is demeaning. It messes you up. It destroys your brain. It really fucking sucks. But it is SURVIVAL. And I did grow. Sundance was great. But I am so much more real this time. So much more honest about me and my disability. And maybe one day I will have to get realer. REALER? NOT A DAMN WORD I THINK BUT IT WORKS FOR MY JOURNAL SINCE NO ONE WILL SEE. Thank God nobody sees my journal or they would think I am crazy. Wait I am crazy! Ha! Crack myself. I do not control bipolar. It does not control me. I live with it like I live with migraines and my neck. Push through. DIG. Deliberate. Inspired. Get Going. My new goto. And Get Going can be med changes and hospitalization if needed. It is definitely going to be therapy for the rest of my life and continual reassessment. Courage. Compassion. Connection. No more thinking I can't be bipolar and be successful and happy. I do it better than some and a hella worse than others. But bipolar is part of life. NOT LIFE ITSELF. So push. I want. So, med changes and hospitalization throw it at me bitch. I am not a failure. I am making the most self loving strongest decision I can. Fight. I deserve it even though bipolar. I have tried my best, and need help. Is it a Culross thing to never want help? But remember, Gifts says you cannot truly help unless you ask for help. So stop seeing bipolar for myself as black and white because I am a perfectionist. Oh shit. I need to really work on that in php if I can go. Or if not, with Tonya. You know the days in the life of mental illness are like that big box of crayons you always wanted when you were a kid, except the crayons never get used all the way up. And yes, they may break. But you can still use them. Our days aren't black. Our days aren't white. They are every single, separate color in between. Some are pretty. Some are ugly. Some are bright. Some are dull. Some look hot. Some look cold. Some are very dark. Some are very light. Some look a lot like other colors. And you will go through phases were you get to use the good colors a lot. Then you will go through times where you are forced to use colors you hate. Sometimes your favorite color will change. Sometimes you may have to unwrap the paper a bit to keep using your crayon. And sometimes, it gets so worn from so much abuse and use, ya gotta take a step back, a deep breath, and sharpen that fucker!!!! MEDS!!!!!!!!!! Daniel and Ian have been the biggest blessing that life has ever allowed me. Can a mother love her children this much. Everyone says that a mother thinks that. Fuck them. I think I still love my children more. They love me. ME! Bipolar and all they love me. They cheer me. They believe in me. How many times has Ian told me how strong I am and how much he believes in me! They kick me in the ass when I need it. Daniel is excellent with that. He is a great ass kicker!!! And they are such good young men. Both are so smart and talented. The best gift God ever gave any woman. I can't survive like I do without them. I love them. I love their touch. Their smile. Their laugh. Their smell. Oh god, Ian is with going to be with Lenny to pick me up and I can't wait to smell him and feel his arms. He hugs me so good. Can I love Josiah more? He has gotten the brunt of me in the last year even though I hid so much from him. I love that brother. MY brother. MY soul. My identical twin that is three years older than me. I mean, you know, I love him like an identical twin. OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!! Crack myself. Would anyone think it is strange that I talk to myself in my journal? I am weird! I love it. Stay on point girl. I never want to lose him. I cant wait to move closer to him. And thank God the surgery has seemed to go well. Ha. He IS a Culross. I just love Josiah so much. How can I ever get across to him how much? And Jonathon. That is one nephew I wish I could tell him what he means to me. Again. He loves me! I LOVE THAT CHILD. Not because he loves me. Part because he is like Josiah so much. So I was instantly fond of him for that reason. It was just the beginning tho. I remember when he came down here all of a sudden I just knew he was special. I just knew that I instantly loved him no matter what. He is a very special young man. He is sweet and loving and intelligent beyond his years. He is wise. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel special. He checks on me. He always is there. I love him so much even if he doesn't love the Cowboys! He is my Jonathon. BUT, I am so mad at him that he probably wont be in Indiana when I move. I secretly hope he is. Ha Ha Selfish. Hell yeh! And Charles. So wonderful to have him back in my life. I missed him. It hurt. So comforting. So warm. So good. I love him so much. I really want to open up to him more. I need to. I trust him. I have good people in my life. Not very many compared to some. But enough that I can't name them all. All of them positive and good and something to inspire me to fight and be a better person. I just want. I WANT. Yep, I, me, Laura, I WANT. I am happy for what I have done here. Good job Bitch!