Final Thoughts - My Journey Through A Mental Health Facility

I am a perfectionist. We will name that problem number one. I decided to blog some final thoughts about Mesa Springs and my stay. I wanted it to be perfect. So, I started to think about what I wanted to blog. Enter the second problem. I over think everything. Just ask my son, Daniel. He tells me I over think things and I tell him I think he may be right, but I have to think it over and then, after thinking about it, I will get back to him to let him know what I think...I think. Anyway, I regress. I've stopped obsessing over what to blog and here are some final thoughts for you.

Mental illness is a beast. Bipolar disorder is a beast. An ugly, rotten, stinking beast that does it's best to chew us up and spit us out. And, there are times it succeeds. Any chronic, possibly terminal illness is a beast. Is mental illness the worst beast to live with? I won't go that far although on bad days I would lead the parade. My nephew, Ricky, is fighting a reoccurrence of cancer and I can't imagine going through what he is going through. They had to drill a hole in his hip! But, mental illness is truly a beast. In my opinion, it is the only illness that tries to cyclically destroy our cognitive, emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical being. It is not a nice beast to live with. As you know, there are many people that live successfully with mental illness though. Right? Well, let me address that for just a moment. I have bipolar disorder. And, even though you read probably the worst I have ever been through (ok, it was definitely the worst) because of a depressive state, I am a success. In fact, I am a huge success. You see, I still breathe. Therefore, I am a success. Are you reading this? You are a success, also. Congratulations. You are enough. Just as you are. Right now. This very moment; you are a warrior, just like me. I don't care what your current state is. You are breathing. You are a success for living with this beast.

Did I have mitigating factors that exacerbated my depressive state? Yes. But that is the nature of the beast. And I would like to address that, also. You will hear the terms 'mental health' and mental illness' thrown around as if they mean the same thing. They don't and whenever possible, I refuse to use the term 'mental health'. Unfortunately, that is where the current mental 'health' system focuses. They ignore those that are seriously ill, and ignore those that aren't so seriously ill, too. They focus on mental health, not mental illness. Unfortunately, the more ill we are, the less attention we receive. It just has to change or all of us are in danger. I fear for my children should they inherit my disorder with the current state of affairs. Anyway, to make my point about the difference between mental health and mental illness. Every human has their own mental health to take care of. None of us have had a perfect life free of strife, mistakes, disappointment, dysfunctional relationships, loss, etc. So, each of us has been molded by the positive and the negative in our lives into what we currently are. That is mental health. People deal with mental health issues every single day from those experiences. That is NOT, however, mental illness. Do you know the story of the princess and the pea? The pea is our mental health. All of those mattresses are mental illness on top of every single positive and negative experience in life. It piles high on your psyche and smothers your mental health. You can't find your mental health. It is not health (or the pea), it is illness (all of those mattresses piled one of top of another hiding that pea), and there is no princess in this story. Mental illness is a disease of the brain. You will see me repeat this over and over. The very organ perfectly designed to help us rationalize, accept, make decisions about, and lead us through an illness is the very organ that is diseased. It conflicts itself. It works against itself. It fools itself. It can't be trusted all the time. Like I said, it is a beast. We know next to nothing about the brain and therefore know very little about mental illness and how to treat it, (never mind cure it!).

So what did I learn from Mesa Springs? Well, first, I have to tell you that it was very difficult for me to transcribe the first week. I cried many tears while doing so. How in the world did I let myself get that low? But, I felt energized by the last 6 days. I saw the broken become much less than broken, and I am even more less broken now by making myself relive it. So, transcribing those last days was, in sorts, a mini boost. I learned that anyone can go from the depths of despair to beginning to accept mental illness. Yes, I have accepted that I have bipolar before. It was time for me to accept it again. I learned that anyone can go from the depths of self hatred to beginning to love oneself. Have I loved myself before? Yes, but it was time to do that again. I learned that if I want to be the kind of person I want to be, I first have to willingly accept the person I am, illness and all. That was a kick in the butt to my perfectionism. It didn't take kindly to it. I learned that I am enough. I have bipolar. I am not ashamed of it. I need help at times. And I am a fighter, so I am going to ask for help when I need it instead of beating my head against a brick wall. If I can do any of this, you can do it too. I watched, as a third person (even though I was transcribing my own words), someone come back to life and succeed.

I have been enrolled in an aftercare intensive group therapy program at Mesa Springs since my release from inpatient and it has been very hard work. I am finished now, but most days I came home mentally exhausted and had to take a nap. So please understand this very important fact. Inpatient stays are for one reason only. To stabilize you to begin working your way back to a balanced state. I read an interesting article the other day that spoke to getting your bipolar disorder IN order. I like that thought. Bipolar is never free of the possibilities of a manic, hypomanic or depressive state. A lot of very regimented, hard work has to go into lengthening the timeframes between episodes. Tons. So, inpatient stays do nothing more than get you ready to jump back up on that horse and try to ride. You just never finally reach the proverbial sunset. You are going to fall back off at one point or another. It doesn't mean when you fall off that you need hospitalization. I did, but I not only fell off the horse, I demanded it stomp all over me and kick dust in my face. You probably don't need hospitalization like I did if you are working hard and sticking to your regimen. You may just need a med tweak. But then again, that is the beast. Bipolar hates meds. Bipolar hates regimen. It fools itself that it doesn't need that. How many cancer patients find out that their tumor is shrinking and decide to stop just because they think their cancer will heal itself without any further treatment? I'm willing to say that if that number exists, it is very low. Ask that about mental illness and your number is too large to count. Even the group therapy that I just finished isn't the 'end'. I now face intensive personal therapy, finding some public support groups out there, deeper dependence on my personal support group for an unseen amount of time, and a regimented sleep, diet, exercise, and medicine schedule (again). All of that and more, like journaling and blogging are what I need to manage my mental illness.

I entered Mesa Springs in a bad state. Today, I am in a much better state. I entered broken and am now much less than broken. I still have a long way to go. I understand depressive and hypomanic states are a part of my future. But, Mesa Springs gave me a selfish idea. It made me realize I want to change this blog. I still want to blog about stigma and needed law changes. However, I am going to focus more on topics that we can address together to take care of ourselves. I know of a blogger with mental illness that blogged how uncomfortable they were with blogging about their struggles. You won't find this here. If I don't stay authentic with you, how can I be authentic with myself? So, I hope you will like the future blogs I have in the works and find them helpful. I will be including how I struggle, too. We'll share tips for managing. We'll delve into topics about why we think the way we do as mentally ill persons and how we can improve. We'll go into topics that are exercises for self care. We'll share with our supporters how to help us help ourselves. And, we will still talk about stigma and needed changes. Even though my main goal is still to touch you, I will be touching and supporting myself at the same time.

I would like to leave you with two songs. The first, "Sober", by Tool, is me going into Mesa Springs. It has one word I want you to change. When you hear the word, 'sober', replace it with 'normal'.  The second song is "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. That is me today. Stick with me, let's fight together.

To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura

SOBER, by TOOL

FIGHT SONG, by RACHEL PLATTEN