I'm picky about words, and I'm not overly fond of the term 'depressive state'. It implies generic depression, and that doesn't begin to describe the ugly, dark and suffocated way I feel during a low period (I do not mean to minimalize depression outside of a mood disorder). A depressive state seems to be an endless pit of raw agony that eats down to my bones, while taking away my mental sight and leaving me in nothing more than despair with every breath. It's almost impossible to draw a breath and feels as if I am incapable of another. This description begins to describe my depressive state.
In January 2012, my oldest son almost died. Thinking back to it, even today, immediately brings me to tears and ignites fierce anxiety (I literally took a preemptive anxiety pill before writing this just in case). My boys are my world. Looking back, I now know that the events of January eventually threw me into a depressive state. I stopped sleeping. I became irrational (constantly checking to see if your 18 year old is breathing in the middle of the night is NOT rational, nor is rarely letting him out of your sight). I went cold turkey off medication just because I didn't like it. I cried all the time, but I couldn't explain why. I stopped eating. I started smoking again after a 19 year hiatus. I drank often and when I did, too much. Ultimately, I ended up in an inpatient stay and an outpatient therapy program for a total of 4 plus months.
During that time, I wrote furiously. Raw emotion in the form of words poured out of me like a tsunami. I wrote short stories and poems and dabbled in lyrics, all of it very dark. I learned to journal (thanks to my inpatient stay) and would write in it for hours about anything and everything. It was then that I wrote a poem entitled, 'in the Key of Blue' (ding, ding, ding...see blog name!). Now, I can't take credit for the title because a very dear friend came up with it after reading the poem (hi Drake! I love you!). But I definitely take credit for the words in the poem! So, 'in the Key of Blue' describes my emotions and how I see myself while in a depressive state. I would be lying if I told you I feel this way only during a low period. I struggle with these feelings every day. Depending on my 'mood', they vary in intensity. The more balanced my mood is, the easier it is to rationalize and dismiss my thoughts. I hope (but I don't hope...but I do hope, if that makes sense) we can find some commonality in the following poem:
in the Key of Blue
Cursed. A hopeless future
that doesn't merit the breath it takes.
Slow death. Destiny greedily met by the
God of Futility. A wasted life of heated madness,
bright star white. Searing rage. Shame.
The soul tormented with a desperate desire
to destroy what binds it. It chides and
endlessly tortures it's pathetic victim,
lost in the merciless hell of reality.
Nature's cruelly inept, chemical cocktail
leaves weakened and demented thoughts.
Feeling no worth. Seeing no value. Failure and pain
court each other in a crazed dance of unbalanced, mental lust.
Stench filled perceptions break the powerless spirit.
Cope? Succeed? Impossible! Accept.
Woeful disgust reveals itself as a horrific face,
twisted and disfigured. Don't look!
Shield your innocence lest you
become spoils of the insanity and
perversion that is me.
I've often wondered how others with a mood disorder feel in a depressive state. I also wonder how those without a mood disorder perceive a depressive state. Of course, in my catastrophic mind, my depressive state is worse than someone else's (hence 'I hope', so you prove me wrong, and 'I don't hope', because I wish nobody would feel what I do). I welcome comments from you that have a mood disorder about how you feel and think during a depressive state. I am interested in how we all differ. I also welcome comments from you without a mood disorder. Is this how you imagined a depressive state?
I try and verbalize my feelings to the friends and family I am fortunate enough to have for support. That list is very short, by the way! However, when I try and talk, no words seem to be strong or accurate enough to describe what a depressive state feels like to me. All I can tell you is that I am completely miserable and every feeling I have is an absolute reality of what seems to be fact for me. You can't convince me otherwise during that time and it feels like there is no possibility of anything changing. It is utter hopelessness. To say the least, it's not a fun day in the park...for any of us, mood disorder or not.
Standing shoulder to shoulder,
Laura
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I have the privilege of also blogging at www.pathsoflight.us/bipolarwinds. My introductory blog is published. Topics between here and there will always be different!
I love how you paint emotions with words! It's so hard to describe how i feel to Kevin because he doesn't deal with depression. He is very sweet and gives me space when I need it.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jeri for your compliment! I agree, describing mental illness is difficult, especially the lows. Consider this. When describing mania, people will tell you they feel, or even think they are God. There is no higher, more intelligent, loving, true, powerful being, so it gives you a good sense of what mania is. There is no one word in any language that describes the lowest of low.
DeleteI appreciate comments! Thank you!