Day Seven - My Journey Through A Mental Health Facility

It was Wednesday June 3, and time for my 7:00p appointment with Tonya. She opens with the typical "So how are you?" and each session I normally put a lot of thought as to what I am going to say. I foolishly think I set the tone. I mean, it isn't like she doesn't already know how I am doing! I truly suspect the woman is psychic. And I don't believe in psychics. Last session she asked 'the question' and all I said was, "I'm not." I had thought about what to say but really didn't care what answer to give that week, so I was just kind of flippant. The woman still got me to talk meaningfully for 60 minutes though. June 3, I thought and thought, but hadn't come up with the exact words yet. You see, I had a plan. I knew I had shut down and was beyond help. I had begun to willingly and quite easily lie to the people I love and count as my support group, or I just ignored them. I didn't want them to know. I didn't care anymore. It became none of their business in my mind. Why bother when I was failing so miserably? I haven't ever willingly lied to my support group. Ever. But Tonya was the only one left that I was being honest with (well, except she had no idea I was lying to everyone else, but in my defense, she never asked, so maybe she isn't psychic after all). I knew the choice of words was paramount to my plan. Anyway, I went to the session to slyly try and get her to help me figure out how to get permission from my children to die. Now, I think I am pretty smart, and was convinced I could fool the best therapist I have ever had in my life to get the answer I needed, even though she seems to see right through me with a single glance. Sometimes I won't look at the woman. She reads my mind! I thought I could trick her into slipping up and giving me a way to gain approval from my boys to die. I rationally know suicide is selfish. I know it permanently hurts those left behind. It is a huge reason I fight as a mental illness advocate. However, I had played my last card. I asked my children for permission to die and they said no. And besides, in my head, I wasn't suicidal. I just wanted permission to die.


So we sat down, she looked at me, asked 'the question', and I will be damned if out of my mouth popped the words, "I think I need hospitalization, but I can't afford it." I swear to you my mouth dropped a bit and I thought, "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?" Tonya didn't immediately tell me how silly of a reason lack of money was not to admit myself, but thanks to her, I did end up admitting myself to Mesa Springs in Fort Worth, Texas, early afternoon on June 4. I agreed to it midway through the session and went home with a game plan to get things in order within 24 hours so I could go. During my 90 (I got 30 free minutes that night) minute session with Tonya, I kept telling her I wasn't suicidal, but I did have one heck of a fool proof plan I was happy to share and thought pretty highly of myself for thinking of it. Why not share? I wasn't suicidal. She didn't challenge me. Instead, she helped me to admit to myself that my preoccupation with gaining approval to die would eventually become greater than the need of my children's approval. And she isn't as smart as she thinks. I know now she made it seem like my idea, but she led me right to the watering hole. She never once told me, "Yes, you are suicidal." And, even though I just didn't care, I did obviously care enough to not want that preoccupation to become true. That is just how good she is. Or maybe she is the sly one??? Hmmm...


I was inpatient for 13 days. The first night home, June 16, I knew I wanted to blog about this, but had no idea how. How could I explain a journey from void to hope and make sense enough to touch someone else? I read a book that Tonya brought to me while there (told you she is awesome). The author tells the story of feeling inferior about giving a speech in which the other speakers are all CFO, CEO, COO types. In discussing it with her husband, she told him of a time where she failed miserably giving a speech that included other peer speakers instead of speakers she felt had more talent than her. I related to that. I felt like a failure and I felt inferior in life at the point when I read her story. All I could think was, here I am a blogger and mental illness advocate that just blogged about stopping suicide, trying to set an example and help people, and I am hospitalized! What else speaks complete failure? So, after reading her story again on my first night home, I made a terrifying decision. I decided to open up to YOU and publish my journal entries - word for word, grammar and spelling errors included (wow, that grates my nerves). The thought causes me to sweat even as I type now. BUT, in defiance of the shame, irrationality, doubt, self hate, irritability, psychosis, confusion, mania, hypomania, depression and anything else mental illness causes, this journey will now become yours if you so choose to read. My hope is you can see that 'broken' can become something 'much less than broken' again. I refuse to use the word 'fixed'. That implies 'works like new' and that was over the second I took my first breath with my childhood background. I won't use the word 'balanced' either. I still got some work to do. So, this is my journey. I do not wish it on a single person in this world. Even my two enemies. Though I say it becomes 'yours', your journey of hospitalization may (hopefully) never happen and if it does, it will be different. But I am now so convinced we ARE each other's best support system, that I am both nervous and excited to share.


So, before I let you loose, there are three things you need to know:


I was the victim of a crime on May 8, 2014. I can almost give you the time but I won't. It is etched in my mind and behind my eyes at random times during the day forever. It changed me. Laura was stolen from me without permission (not that anyone would have given permission).

Bipolar 2 and Generalized Anxiety are not my only diagnoses. I was diagnosed with PTSD December 2014, directly in relation to May 2014's events.

I made three consistent edits to my entry that were necessary:
- details of my suicidal ideation and plan are replaced with the words "-suicide trigger-".
- details of the event on May 8, 2014 are replaced with the words "-event trigger-".
- real names are not used, however, look to the top of the blog. There is a tab called 'Glossary' and it gives the name and relationship to me. Use it if you find the blog confusing. If I would have ever thought I would share this with the general public, I would have done a better job of describing each person!


DAY SEVEN SUMMARY - Finally. The tide begins to turn. It only took me a week!!! But I hope this shows that hospitalization is not necessarily linear just like other diseases. You have setbacks. And, there are a couple more setbacks but my reaction is much more rational. COGNIT is a computer led group session that lets you track your daily mood. It also has video to help you. So, when you see entry followed by the words COGNIT, I have written something that COGNIT said. I only took advantage of it starting with today's stay and I regret that. It is a very good tool. The book I read that Tonya gave me is called, "The Gifts of Imperfection". I highly recommend it. Tonya may never get it back. HA HA! Anything followed by BB is directly from that book.


JOURNAL ENTRY - Wednesday, June 10
Kennedy doubled Latuda and upped Prazocin yet again. We shall see. Last night I lost Josiah in my dreams. He was in front of me and suddenly not. I was in our house. Ian was there. He was holding my hand. And somehow I knew Josiah was supposed to be there with me. And I couldn't find him. I panicked. I ran outside. I don't remember how but suddenly I was outside in a parking lot. Lots of buildings were around me. But I was seeing myself from far away. I couldn't find him. I knew someone had taken him from me. And suddenly I was behind some sort of wall and she was on the phone telling someone how poisonous I am and to avoid me and I kept thinking she was speaking so soundly and correctly. I wanted to expose myself to her that I was listening but I wouldn't let myself because I knew I needed to hear these things about myself. And I was somewhere in grass but could see Mamaw McGregor's stairs and that room on the right with the rocker and I KNEW evil was in there. And it liked me. It wanted me. And I turned in the grass but it was concrete and I was in the back of a car that was being driven away and I looked out and far away there were people that I knew from another dream but I didn't know their names and they were standing with Josiah. I was screaming and beating the window but then the window was down and Josiah was close and looking at me but not saying anything. I was screaming but no sound came out. And I wanted him. And I was reaching my hands out and I wasn't in the car anymore but I am not sure where we were then. I just remember seeing his face looking at me and not having any emotion and not saying anything. And it all went away and I was in front of our house again and I walked to the backyard with Ian and Frederick. And I kept saying, "Take me to Josiah, Ian. Please baby if you love me, take me to Josiah." And I was trying to scream for Jennifer to come to help me but she wouldn't come out of the house. And Ian kept walking around the backyard and Frederick was biting my ankles. And I went back in to the house and I crawled to the boys room and there was Josiah's bed and I crawled up into it and it smelled like him and I went to sleep. And I was watching me sleep. And Daniel walked in and then the tech woke me up for vitals. I went back to sleep til breakfast. Now I am going to go to group. As many as I can today. Stacey is asleep so I need to try and stay out of the room so she can rest. Diana will go with me. And I am going to try to talk. Try to make something of this mess or I am never going to be free.

When I focus on how my life journey is dim and nothing but sitting around and waiting to fail again, flip it around and understand it may happen again, but I am not a failure. I am strong for recognizing I needed help to balance myself again. Remember this: Needing help to balance is like sneezing from a cold. You get a kleenex, blow your nose and move on. You don't beat yourself up because you couldn't stop the sneeze and refuse to sneeze or blow your nose again. You do what you need to do to get over the cold. COLD BIPOLAR. SNEEZE AND SNOT RELAPSE. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO MED CHANGE TOOLS HOSPITALIZATION. Then you can say fuck the cold for a bit longer!

If you don't transform pain, you transfer it - Timothy

I do NOT want to transfer my pain to the boys. They don't deserve it. They already bear enough having me. Think on what transform means. Transform to what??? Balance? How?

Sometimes it becomes too overwhelming to maintain your private health and hide it - Kate

Trauma can cause a disconnect from your strengths, values, principles - COGNIT

Your beliefs become your thoughts
Your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
Your actions become your habits
Your habits become your values
Your values become your destiny - COGNIT Mahatma Gandhi

So I do perpetuate something because my belief about myself is negative. But I am confused. I have good values. How can I flip? My beliefs almost became my destiny. I believed I didn't deserve to live and -suicide trigger-. Does that mean my values are skewed. What are my values? I think they are good, but it they include -suicide trigger- then do I have some values to change to be kinder to myself. Hmmm...I think this to be true.

Facts
When you are weak you are stronger than you think
You already have, or can develop the strength you need
Concentrate on the strengths you have. Many of the strengths that served you in the past will help you now - COGNIT

So I need to reflect on life and list my successes and challenges so I can find my strengths cuz I see none at the moment. Figure out how to use those strengths in the future for challenges. Think of strengths I would like to develop, would have been useful, wish I had, research them and remember to try them out.

I feel shame in any action or emotion, afraid to be thought of as weak and unable to manage bipolar.

I no longer trust what I feel. Do I feel it because it is authentic me or do I feel it because it is what I think I am supposed to feel.

I act like I think I am supposed to act to be stable and refuse to acknowledge I may be slipping into hypomania or a depressive state. I think I can control bipolar and instead allow it to control me.

I see good and victories in others, but only negative and failure in myself. I readily accept their victories and cheer them on, but I also readily accept my failures and use it to prove my worthlessness. I feel I must be perfect to be loved.

My public self is how I act publicly - many positive qualities. My private self is all negative. Very unkind to myself. My inner child is all about feeling unloved. My inner critic judges me harshly. Much more harshly than anyone else. We all have an inner eye that sees all four parts. It sees what we do and what we feel. The more we are aware of each one, the easier it is to adjust and become a balanced form of each four. Wow do I have a lot of work to do.

You don't have to believe it. Just listen and it will grow - Evan from group - fucking profound

People are very fond of giving away what they need most from themselves - Oscar Wilde from Samantha - that is me and when I don't get it back, I don't get mad, I just think I don't deserve it!!!!

I don't want anyone to fix me. I want them to listen, assure me they care, and still love me even though I am not perfect. I want you to want me to talk to you again and tell me you welcome me talking otherwise I assume I am a burden.

Please do not see me through the eyes of your values, thoughts, opinions, reactions, brain. My brain is diseased. Understand if I seem unacceptably angry, if I am seemingly stupidly sad, if I cry for silly reasons, if I talk too much, If I am over the top happy, if I speak and act insecure and irrational, that I have bipolar and may do these things. I promise you that I have been battling NOT to do these things. I just don't do them everytime they happen in my head. I have fought so hard not to let you see this. And you witnessing it is my failure. I have tried every tool that I have learned, and tried to act like a normal person and it didn't work. The dam has broke and flooded the land of my psyche. I have stopped using my tools, or need a med change and my actions should show you I am desperate and need your help before I fall permanently down the bottomless rabbit hole.

How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves - BB

I must admit I do not love myself. Ok, I do not love myself. Is this common with bipolar??? Who knows. Research.

Unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are. - BB

So, I do not love myself and I have unraveled. Now is the time to forget who I think I need to be and love who I am. So, fuck, that is what Tonya meant on the card when she wrote you are enough.

...let go of my need to please, perform, protect. - BB

I do not love myself, I have unraveled again, and maybe I do not love myself because I never think people accept me, SO I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF FIRST TO PREEMPT THEM. Wow. Deep. But I see the truth in it. Now how do I apply this to the gut??? What part do meds play in this? Bipolar is meds, and tools and CBT. I have to keep seeing Tonya and stop being so opposed to med , even though I hate changing meds.

...make the conscious choice to believe... - BB

hmm. Conscious choice has to involve my heart too.

I want to call today a turning point. I feel different. Part of it is the sleep I now get. Nightmares still exist, but last night wasn't a nightmare in my book. Just a bad dream because I fear losing Josiah so much. What will I do without him. I hope he doesn't have his transplant when I am in here because I just have to be there to watch over him and make sure everything works out like I did with Dad for so long. So, today is a turning point. I have been so confused and negative so far. Why am I here? I mean, obviously I am fucked up, so I am here. But am I here because I haven't dealt with May? Am I here because I need a med adjustment? Am I here because I stopped using my tools to manage? Am I here because I have crossed the line of no return? What is the root cause? I can't improve by treating symptoms or results of the root? Is one thing the root or do they work in combination? I mean, I agreed to another med set change last year in April. Then the -event trigger- happened 10 days later. The meds set change seemed to be making a difference when I -event trigger-. Before -event trigger- I was already clearer and working full time again. Of course, after -event trigger-, I NEVER worked another full shift and got fired in August. But because the meds seemed ok before, I kept telling myself situational depression. Then, of course I stuffed everything to take care of her through cancer. Then December 14 and the world blew up thanks to little miss Eleanor. I am the big mouth??? She supposedly loved me? She kept saying nothing was wrong. But she went and just had to open her mouth. So December 14 and now I can really see I started the slippery slope then. April hit and I realized next month was one year. Then began the plummet. Then that stupid email about turning my back. Last straw. Full explosion. If I handled -event trigger- differently would I have not ended up here? DID I handle it wrong? I never reported it. I tried to tell her and when she said she needed me to concentrate on her surgery, I just felt it was the right thing to do anything she asked of me. Then the cancer and I decided after that and the wedding was the right time. Since December 14, I have shamed myself constantly for how I handled it. For not reporting. For not speaking up. For actually seeking help from those I trust and love. I actually shamed myself and feel I brought burden to their life because -event trigger-. I thought I failed. Me. I took total responsibility for something that should have never happened and was WRONG. DESPICABLE. Well guess what. I don't even think I made a mistake at this point. I did the best I could. Could I have handled it better? Yes. I could have started therapy back right away and could have not resisted what Zimmerman recommended for med changes. Was that a mistake? NO. I handled it the best I could. What part does bipolar play in it. Limit of cognitive function. Damn bipolar. The known inability to tell when you are slipping to late. I cannot resist med changes. Does a person resist antibiotics? No. They may not like it, but they embrace it to get better. And I better think again before I go and stop therapy too. Hope Tonya wants to see me until I die. That is the mindset I must consciously choose to believe. I preach it to everyone else. Time to walk the walk as I talk the talk. I must become my own advocate before becoming others. Be authentic. Hey. That is what I need here. Sundance was all about intellect. I need to be authentic and believe it in the gut. My heart. No more learning and thinking now do and do because I learned. Gut it. Heart it. But that is a thin line to walk. Like the thinnest thread of the smallest spider on a web. The heart of bipolar is treacherous because of the brain.

SO what did I teach myself today:
- do not resist med changes but don't accept them readily either
- use my tools again: journal, journal, journal, journal, journal... music, read, exercise, regular sleep, review of what I got from Sundance
- start chart daily moods again so I better recognize when a mood swing is hitting
- find a new pysch
- I connect with Tonya. Keep going. Also, go ahead and start -event trigger-
- I AM NOT A FAILURE!!! I am strong (Mason will love that one damn him for being right again). I have hit bottom harder than ever before. Not only did I survive - I sought help when I had convinced myself not capable of being helped. That alone implies I recognize I was strong. At least a little strong. But strong is strong. Ian told me so many months ago that if I am breathing, I am fighting, and if I am fighting I am strong. I breathe. Is there a worse bottom? Possibly. Will I go lower in the future? Possibly. Does it mean I failed? NO. NO. NO. It means I am experiencing what others with bipolar do and I can't completely avoid it nor think I am above others and fail if I am not perfect. All I can do is not stop using my tools, be better about my med changes, and stay in therapy. I need to stop trying to control bipolar like I have been and go back to managing it. I must learn to be my own med and mood advocate. I need to come up with a game plan to educate my support group to help me recognize the signs when I begin to stray because I have a brain disease and my brain may not be as good at recognizing it as they are. Am I scared. Fucking hell you bet I am. But I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN. I WANT BALANCE. Balance is fucking cool. Depression sucks. Hypomania is awesome but I have to reject that as okay to go through. The bounce back sucks balls in depression so it isn't worth it. Tonight I feel passion to live. I have so little according to the American dream and damn anyone that wants to put me down for it - Lenny. I like simple. Nobody can tell me that is wrong. It is simple and easy. I make mistakes and am usually pretty stupid in how I handle things but God Damnit, I am not perfect and neither is anybody else. Shit, I feel like writing more so I can come back and see this clarity, but valium is kicking my ass. Good night. I love you Laura. Thank you for helping me.