Setting And Living With Your Boundaries Successfully

Boundaries. What are they and what do they do for us? Why do we need them? The short answer is they are an unselfish form of self care that will protect our mental health. They are the guidelines or rules for how we treat ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. They are fair, appropriate, your right, not manipulative or controlling and may mean a compromise; they are give and take in a healthy relationship.

With bipolar, our mental health should always be paramount in our life. This involves self care and with boundaries, we can focus more time and energy to that. Unhealthy boundaries are based on fear and require more energy as we have to deal with situations that make us uncomfortable, resentful and/or angry.

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Internal
Internal boundaries are the rules we must follow ourselves as sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Healthy internal boundaries require that we know ourselves, what we feel, and what our responsibility is towards our own body and mind. Low self esteem makes it harder to maintain our own internal boundaries. We have issues with believing we deserve things, like taking care of our body or mind. During a depressive state, we tend to ignore boundaries because we can only focus on the pain of depression. During a manic/hypomanic episode, we will ignore them all together thinking we know better or can slide by because we don't need them.

External
External boundaries are the rules we set for how we expect to be treated. More specifically, they are the rules to teach others how to treat us. Not only should we expect fair treatment, we need it to successfully manage our mental health. Healthy external boundaries is simply asking a person to treat you with respect. 

Low self esteem also plays a part in external boundaries. With low self esteem, we may not realize how we deserve to be treated. We also may not think we deserve to be treated with respect. During a depressive state, we need healthy boundaries and when they are followed, it helps our depressive state.

SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Not only are healthy boundaries set to teach others how we want to interact with us, they are set for how we interact with people in return. Healthy boundaries allow respect towards both parties, yourself and others. Some boundaries are obvious. If you find yourself uncomfortable with a situation, resentful or angry with a person, you have an opportunity to set a boundary to alleviate that from happening.

Setting boundaries can be difficult with people that are already in our lives. They are accustomed to treating us in a certain way, and we have never expressed or been respected if we voice that their actions are unacceptable. Therefore, you may meet resistance and negativity to an external boundary at first.

To set a boundary, examine your life. What bothers you that people do? What compromises your self care? How do you wish to be treated? How should you treat yourself to take care of your mental health?

Then write it down. Decide what the boundaries are, how you will relate them, and what are the consequences of not respecting your boundary.

Now you are ready to set the boundary. You can choose to set the boundary before anything happens that makes you uncomfortable, resentful and/or angry; you can also decide to wait until it happens again. I personally prefer picking a time when both parties are in a comfortable situation. Emotions, especially ours, are heightened when something negative happens that effects our well being. The delivery of your boundary won't come out as well as you want nor will the reception be as well received. The consequences of not respecting your boundaries are up to you. It can be anything from the fact that you tell someone you can't interact with them until they respect your boundary to going as far as cutting them out of your life. It never means you give up and allow unhealthy behavior.

Loose Boundaries
Without realizing it, you have boundaries in your life already. The problem is, a loose boundary makes you a doormat and allows everyone to treat you how they want. Have you heard of the saying, "Give an inch, take a mile"? That describes a loose boundary. With a loose boundary, you may as well not have a boundary at all as you are not setting standards on how you are treated.

Soft Boundaries
A soft boundary is when you are confused as to what you let or not let happen in your life. It makes you a target for manipulation. If you can't take an honest look at yourself and allow yourself to love what and who you are, you will most likely set a soft boundary. Setting a boundary is not about keeping everyone else happy. It is about you respecting what you need, and your relationships respecting what you need also.

Conditional Boundaries
Once you have set boundaries, you must live them. You can't abide by them part time. Setting a rule and then only following it randomly, for whatever reason, will confuse individuals and will not teach them what you need and expect. If you don't set a rule and live by it, you cannot expect your boundaries to be respected. Conditional boundaries are also when you only maintain your boundaries with certain people. Just because a person holds a certain position in your life should not mean you can't expect them to respect your boundaries.

Rigid Boundaries
A rigid boundary creates a solid brick wall between you and the relationships you allow in your life. It prevents intimacy with people. It usually stems from bad experiences of abuse that have shaped you as a person and is the type of boundary that stems from fear the most. If you have been abused, you are more likely to realize you have loose boundaries and try to replace them with rigid boundaries.

A WORD ON HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Healthy boundaries set the stage for how you allow yourself and others to treat you. They do not include negativity about yourself or others. A healthy boundary meets your needs without being unrealistically demanding. You have to decide what you need. Do off color jokes make you uncomfortable? You have the right to ask that they not be told around you. Do you have someone in your life that will press you to talk when you are trying to process something and you just can't talk about it? You have a right to processing time. Are you taking your medications sporadically. You can't manage bipolar without a set schedule to always take your medications. Does someone make negative and condescending remarks to or about you? Not only can you not allow that with bipolar, but you unequivocally deserve the basic right of respect. Does someone in your life guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. You have the right to say no and for that answer to be respected. Does someone in your life take their anger out on you? You deserve not to be used as a scapegoat.

LIVING SUCCESSFULLY WITH BOUNDARIES
Now that you have communicated your boundaries, you will need to know how to be successful with them. Being successful is made up of many parts. It is:

• self awareness
• honesty
• determination
• will
• assertiveness
• follow through
• patience

You have to know yourself and be honest with yourself about what you need. Love yourself and tell people in your life what your boundaries are. It will allow greater intimacy in your relationships because each of you will have a deeper respect for the other. It is only going to be determination and strong will that allows you to be assertive and follow through. What exactly does follow through entail though?

Each boundary should have a consequence, or a follow through, when not respected. Do you state the consequence once and follow through with enforcing that consequence with the first offense? Or, do you display patience and try to work with a person because you feel the person is trying to respect your boundaries? Only you can answer that and it may depend on what type of person and situation you are dealing with.

You will also need patience with yourself. Setting and living with boundaries is a learning process for you too. Don't feel like you have failed if you set a boundary and don't follow through. Believe me, that person will give you another opportunity to react to them pushing your boundaries. You also need to be forgiving of yourself if your boundaries become conditional and you aren't consistent. Setting and living boundaries is hard, but like most things, the more you practice, the better you become.

Be aware that your boundaries can change. You change every day. You may find more tolerance for some things and less tolerance for others, necessitating a change in boundaries. So do a self assessment every once in awhile.

To balanced and productive days my friends,

Laura